Suburban Commando

Comments from suburban commando

But with multiple orgasms.

-1 |
August 11, 2010 on Oh, Legless Cat! So Chill!

“Grief changes shape, but it never ends.” –Keanu Reeves (KR)

“I am not handsome or sexy.” –KR

“I try not to think about my life. I have no life. I need therapy.” –KR

“I’m sorry my existence is not very noble or sublime.” –KR

The internet, which has never lied to me before (unlike my uncle and my middle school gym teacher, who are not necessarily 2 different people), told me these are all actual quotes by the man sitting on the bench up there. They all seem very appropriate.

+15 |
June 7, 2010 on The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: Sad Keanu Reeves

Finally, someone who shares my first name AND my overzealous affection for Mandy Moore. As much as it literally kills me to say this, maybe Chris Klein and I could be pals. Like we could definitely between the two of us track down Mandy Moore and then he could boost me up into her bedroom window and that’s pretty much where the partnership would end because after he boosted me up I would tell him there is so much cocaine right down the street but you have to hurry! and he would go there posthaste and probably completely forget about Mandy Moore and then me and Mandy Moore would get married and she would be Mrs. Suburban Commando-Moore.

+6 |
May 20, 2010 on You Can Make It Up: Chris Klein Auditions For A Cocaine Commercial

Let me just say that when the roving gangs of cannibals come trudging through the ash (and they WILL come, friendo) that I’m on team This Guy. Did you see him wiping the crud and fingerprints off the blade? He’s already got the cleaning cannibal blood off the blade technique down.

+12 |
May 20, 2010 on We Should All Be So Lucky As To Find Something In This World That Makes Us Happy: Unleash The Katana

“I’ve gone into clubs.” -Dan Songer

+1 |
May 13, 2010 on This Week On A Very Special Episode Of The Daniel Songer Comedy Entertainment

“I’ve gone into clubs.” -Dan Songer

+7 |
May 13, 2010 on This Week On A Very Special Episode Of The Daniel Songer Comedy Entertainment

“God teaches us to love everyone, so grab their heads and pound them into your knee. You know, for Jesus.” Ecclesiastes 4:32-35.

+10 |
May 13, 2010 on This Week On A Very Special Episode Of The Daniel Songer Comedy Entertainment

I think I would be more impressed by a bum who had a mutated genetic code that gave him complete control over his bowels.

+12 |
May 12, 2010 on Ian McKellen, Not Surprisingly, Mistaken For A Hobo

All I heard in that second video was blah blah yo-yo blah blah charity something or other blah blah BARBECUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

+2 |
May 10, 2010 on That’s Your Yo-Yo Master: Kenny “K-Strass” Strasser

Didn’t she say something about living near Shaboygan? Sheboygin? Shaboigen?

+4 |
May 10, 2010 on Forget It, Jake, It’s Laser-Eyed Demon-Sheep Town

“Haha, you put spelt when you should have put spelled.”

-Steve Winwood, writing for Nick Madson

(insert Scanners exploding head .gif)

+14 |
May 10, 2010 on Terrible Death Metal Cover Of Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” Still Much Better Than Actual Ke$ha

Two mixtape songs in one day? Or is this the first entry in the 2012 Theme Song Contest?

+4 |
May 10, 2010 on Terrible Death Metal Cover Of Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” Still Much Better Than Actual Ke$ha

Get out of there Mr. Space Alien!

+9 |
May 10, 2010 on Dan Aykroyd Believes Aliens Are Real, They Hate 9/11, And They Should Go To Jail

I’ll have whatever Dan Akroyd is having.

+29 |
May 10, 2010 on Dan Aykroyd Believes Aliens Are Real, They Hate 9/11, And They Should Go To Jail

“Othelio are clearly the next Susan Boyle. NOT!”

Never before have I experienced such an emotional rollercoaster in such a short span.

+10 |
May 10, 2010 on The 10th Summer Jam Of 2010: Othelio’s “Lift Me”

Haha, don’t quit your day job. What’s that? You’re a singer/songwriter/producer? On second thought, go ahead and quit your day job. Maybe go back to school, learn a trade or something.

+12 |
May 10, 2010 on The 10th Summer Jam Of 2010: Othelio’s “Lift Me”

In Andy Rooney’s defense, it’s probably very hard to stay hip to current trends, musical and otherwise, when you spend 23 hours a day in an iron lung in a sub-basement of the 60 Minutes headquarters.

+25 |
May 10, 2010 on Duh Aficionado Magazine: Andy Rooney Is So Old

Thank you for letting Betty White be great, Gabe.

+10 |
May 10, 2010 on Saturday Night Live: Good Job, Betty White! Goodbye, Betty White!

Gabe, you mad. Congratulations, Monsters all, short and tall, big and small.

Happy weekend everybody. I love you.

+13 |
May 7, 2010 on Monsters’ Ball: The Week’s Best Comments

I just pissed myself laughing. You are awesome.

+5 |
May 7, 2010 on Let’s Pool Our Money And Make A Movie With James Franco