Suburban Commando

Comments from Suburban Commando

But with multiple orgasms.
-1 |
August 11, 2010 on Oh, Legless Cat! So Chill!
"Grief changes shape, but it never ends." --Keanu Reeves (KR) "I am not handsome or sexy." --KR "I try not to think about my life. I have no life. I need therapy." --KR "I'm sorry my existence is not very noble or sublime." --KR The internet, which has never lied to me before (unlike my uncle and my middle school gym teacher, who are not necessarily 2 different people), told me these are all actual quotes by the man sitting on the bench up there. They all seem very appropriate.
+15 |
June 7, 2010 on The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: Sad Keanu Reeves
Finally, someone who shares my first name AND my overzealous affection for Mandy Moore. As much as it literally kills me to say this, maybe Chris Klein and I could be pals. Like we could definitely between the two of us track down Mandy Moore and then he could boost me up into her bedroom window and that's pretty much where the partnership would end because after he boosted me up I would tell him there is so much cocaine right down the street but you have to hurry! and he would go there posthaste and probably completely forget about Mandy Moore and then me and Mandy Moore would get married and she would be Mrs. Suburban Commando-Moore.
+6 |
May 20, 2010 on You Can Make It Up: Chris Klein Auditions For A Cocaine Commercial
Let me just say that when the roving gangs of cannibals come trudging through the ash (and they WILL come, friendo) that I'm on team This Guy. Did you see him wiping the crud and fingerprints off the blade? He's already got the cleaning cannibal blood off the blade technique down.
+12 |
May 20, 2010 on We Should All Be So Lucky As To Find Something In This World That Makes Us Happy: Unleash The Katana
"God teaches us to love everyone, so grab their heads and pound them into your knee. You know, for Jesus." Ecclesiastes 4:32-35.
+10 |
May 13, 2010 on This Week On A Very Special Episode Of The Daniel Songer Comedy Entertainment
I think I would be more impressed by a bum who had a mutated genetic code that gave him complete control over his bowels.
+12 |
May 12, 2010 on Ian McKellen, Not Surprisingly, Mistaken For A Hobo
All I heard in that second video was blah blah yo-yo blah blah charity something or other blah blah BARBECUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
+2 |
May 10, 2010 on That’s Your Yo-Yo Master: Kenny “K-Strass” Strasser
Didn't she say something about living near Shaboygan? Sheboygin? Shaboigen?
+4 |
May 10, 2010 on Forget It, Jake, It’s Laser-Eyed Demon-Sheep Town
"Haha, you put spelt when you should have put spelled." -Steve Winwood, writing for Nick Madson (insert Scanners exploding head .gif)
+14 |
May 10, 2010 on Terrible Death Metal Cover Of Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” Still Much Better Than Actual Ke$ha
Two mixtape songs in one day? Or is this the first entry in the 2012 Theme Song Contest?
+4 |
May 10, 2010 on Terrible Death Metal Cover Of Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” Still Much Better Than Actual Ke$ha
"Othelio are clearly the next Susan Boyle. NOT!" Never before have I experienced such an emotional rollercoaster in such a short span.
+10 |
May 10, 2010 on The 10th Summer Jam Of 2010: Othelio’s “Lift Me”
Haha, don't quit your day job. What's that? You're a singer/songwriter/producer? On second thought, go ahead and quit your day job. Maybe go back to school, learn a trade or something.
+12 |
May 10, 2010 on The 10th Summer Jam Of 2010: Othelio’s “Lift Me”
In Andy Rooney's defense, it's probably very hard to stay hip to current trends, musical and otherwise, when you spend 23 hours a day in an iron lung in a sub-basement of the 60 Minutes headquarters.
+25 |
May 10, 2010 on Duh Aficionado Magazine: Andy Rooney Is So Old
Thank you for letting Betty White be great, Gabe.
+10 |
May 10, 2010 on Saturday Night Live: Good Job, Betty White! Goodbye, Betty White!
Gabe, you mad. Congratulations, Monsters all, short and tall, big and small. Happy weekend everybody. I love you.
+13 |
May 7, 2010 on Monsters’ Ball: The Week’s Best Comments
I just pissed myself laughing. You are awesome.
+5 |
May 7, 2010 on Let’s Pool Our Money And Make A Movie With James Franco
That's odd. "motivated and inspired to leave" sounds a lot like "kicked out of the house for being fucking weird and consistently ruining dinner by" when mom tells that story.
+11 |
May 7, 2010 on All Five Parts Of Dinner Dancing With Frank Pacholski Presented Without Comment
HOW DARE YOU BESMIRCH STARSHIP TROOPERS! BURN THE HERETIC! Just kidding. That movie is awful. But I love it. There. I said it.
+9 |
May 7, 2010 on Some Parenting Tips For Gary Busey
I can't tell if Gary Busey is trying to assimilate with his baby or if he just superglued it to his forehead to make sure it's not sneaking around behind his back. Neither thought disturbs me less.
+7 |
May 7, 2010 on Some Parenting Tips For Gary Busey
"Get out of there!" -my mother, 1986 "Get out of there!" -my prom date, 2003
+59 |
May 6, 2010 on Get Out Of There!
We never dated. I liked you but I was too nervous to say hi because you were standing next to some football players.
+23 |
May 6, 2010 on Please Be More Careful, Nerds!
/sigh Man, I sure did have some moves, before I threw my back out putting my box of Star Wars toys in the attic. In hindsight I realize I probably should have taken the AT-AT up separately.
+8 |
May 6, 2010 on Please Be More Careful, Nerds!
"The selected item is not currently available." That'll do Internet. That'll do.
+8 |
May 5, 2010 on An Imaginary Letter From A Make-Believe Parent Regarding Miley Cyrus’s New Music Video
Don't you mean time FOR a blow by blow recap? BOOM. You just got Steve Winwooded. Just kidding Steve Winwood. I heart you.
+9 |
April 26, 2010 on The Seventh Summer Jam Of 2010: “Money Can’t Buy You Class” By Luann De Lesseps
Do overs?
+19 |
April 26, 2010 on That’s Your Girlfriend: Lil Marcy