From the Sheffield rockers latest YouTube upload: “It’s your boy Diddy. I’m the newest member of the Arctic Monkeys. I’m not gonna be singing. I’m not gonna be playing any instruments. But I’m part of the crew. I’m part of the entourage. So if y’all fuck with the Arctic Monkeys, y’all gotta fuck with me.” Also? “All you other rock bands out there in London, for real, if y’all even look at my guys weird backstage, I’m a jump on that motherfucking British Airways flight, come backstage, and stick my foot so far up your ass.” As Matt Helders observes the rapper/vlogger preparing grits and French toast for 60 in his Miami home, Diddy claims to be the world’s biggest AMonks fan, promising to sign them to Bad Boy. It’s basically the Making The Band trailer of our dreams (nightmares). Watch at Videogum.

Sundance is flickering along as we speak, and plenty of the films being screened have a rock ‘n’ roll bent. And a rap bent, if you consider Diddy a rapper. Bernard Shakey, aka Neil Young — yes, that Neil Young — directs CSNY Déjà Vu, a political documentary that sets the Iraqi war alongside CSNY’s “Freedom Of Speech Tour.” Remember Vietnam? Hence the Déjà Vu. With a nome de camera like “Bernard Shakey,” we’re wondering if this is gonna have a sorta hippie-meets-Cloverfield feel. And speaking of scary movies, the thought of Bono’s posturing in 3-D might be very frightening, but that’s exactly what you get with U2 3D, which tracks the band’s “Vertigo” tour. You can see the official spiel at the official site. Then there are a handful more, though we usually don’t like using the words “handful” when David Crosby’s just been mentioned.

[U2 photo via goldenfiddle.com]

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Yeah, we hear you — albums sales are down. In another article on rock ‘n’ roll marketing, we find out that to pickup the slack Velvet Revolver’s Duff McKagan went to business school after his G ‘n’ R days. We also get a look at pioneering Starbucks marketers, the newest in KISS-related products, and are happily reminded that the Boss is sticking to his guns and not doing cheesy shit like bottling Mötley Brüu, booking his Mötley Crüise or selling Cadillacs. Hip-hop gets glossed over (“Hip-hop artists always understood branding”), though they should’ve let everyone in on just how much Diddy digs vodka…

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What does 20,000 people simultaneously losing their shit sound like? If you were at Madison Square Garden Wednesday night, you know — and are probably still a little deaf from the fanfare. A cosmic cast of hip-hop titans surprised the MSG crowd at Wednesday night’s Screamfest ’07 stop in NYC, when TI brought out Mr. West, Jigga, Fifty, and Sean Combs for a little bit of Kanye’s “Can’t Tell Me Nothing.” We’ve got a pic and some nosebleed-seats YouTube (which captures the pandemonium in shitty A/V format), but at least you can see Mr. Cent taking triumphant laps of the stage and bouncing to the Graduation jam that may just end his career. So much for the rivalry?

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This ain’t no mud hut, this ain’t no disco… Who’s mad as hell, and not gonna take this anymore?

“You know, hip-hop came out of having the right stuff, and you had to have a slavery and you had to have a war and you had to have all these things in order for Sean ‘Puffy’ Combs to be singing about fucking Bentleys. You had to have that journey. That takes a long time, and in America it took three generations for that to happen. And for me to come from a mud hut and to be here and shouting in front of a disco, it took me 15 years. And that’s all I represent. Everything boiled down is that, that’s all it is. If I get it back to Africa, this is what I’ve accomplished.”

Guess the gob, then take the jump.

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On what would have been Princess Diana’s 46th birthday, a large list of huge names you mostly don’t give a shit about paid their tribute in song at Wembley, the creepiest of which was Diddy’s re-appropriation of the Police with “I’ll Be Missing You (’07).” Betcha never thought a testament to a fallen gangsta rapper could double as a sentimental salute to a passed monarch. Yes, Princess Di is gone, and that is very sad … but Puffy’s spoken word interludes and sky-pointing are just weird and lame. Nobody should leave that guy with a mic in hand on stage for that long. Unless the plan is to whitewash the pain of Di’s death with the more tragic memory of Diddy’s white-suited ham-standing.

There was a whole lot more from the concert-tribute yesterday, but little worth noting from a performance standpoint. Except for maybe Tom Jones’s set, picking awesomely titled cover tunes for the loving memory of Princess Di: Prince’s “Kiss” and Arctic Monkeys “I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor.” Check ‘em after the jump (A’Monks at 6:00).

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You’ve heard that “a picture is worth a thousand words,” and so has indie hip-hop guru El-P. The Def Jux CEO is embroiled in a bitter exchange of words and ideologies with his former label, and it’s all because of a picture with Diddy.

Short version: El-P and his crew were in a practice space in Brooklyn where they bumped into Diddy. Thinking it’d be hilarious to have a picture with him, they invited Sean to pose for a photo. Diddy never met a camera he didn’t love, so after a fifteen minute wait, he mugged for the shutter. El-P posted the pic as a laugh, and the newly relaunched Rawkus reposted the photo with an article entitled something to the effect of “Company Flows El-P And Puffy?,” and the suggestion that El-P was a sell-out enraged him into a damning MySpace-diatribe regarding Rawkus’s ethics that is just too good not to reprint in full. But first, the infamous photo…

After the jump, El-P’s post and Rawkus’s response.

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Last weekend’s SNL was a mixed bag (per usual, unless Alec Baldwin’s hosting), but we got a chuckle out of this Scooby Doo styled send-up of mystery-solving kids, hot on the case of trying to figure out what the fuck it is that Diddy does. (Sorry for the lame, shaky cam, but it’s the best we could find.) Our guess? His talent is in paying people to do shit. He’s the best! (See: Press Play.)

Initially thought we’d pass on this clip ’cause we’ve flogged Diddy enough, but you sorta have to hear it. See there’s flow that’s off the beat — like what backpacker fave Kweli falls into for effect — and then there’s flow that’s just off. No hook, no chain. Just off. It’s your boy D. But the vid did remind us of those iconic Maxell commercials, and it features a not-trying-too-hard Xtina … so maybe watch it on mute?

Still, not as good as this single still.

You know us: We like to feed your inner elitist, as much as we like to feed your morbid curiousity — so file this one under the latter. We’ve seen him playing “gracious host” and serving Diddy cocktails, we’ve seen him hawking Whoppers on GooTube, we’ve known he can’t rap for shit, but did you know that Diddy can’t sing, either? No, really! Check it, from Press Play:

Diddy – “Last Night” (Featuring Keyshia Cole) (MP3 link removed)

Irrelevant, you say? Hell, the New York Times just said that hip-hop needs him! In discussing Diddy’s new album:

This is a garish, puzzling album, and it isn’t the sort of CD people pick up when they want to explain what’s great about hip-hop. But if Diddy has stuck around, it’s because the genre needs him. Hip-hop exists not only because of virtuosos like Jay-Z but also because of hucksters like Diddy, entertaining and stubborn self-promoters who simply refuse to go away or shut up, at least for very long.

So what’s the reasoning there? Something like “Diddy : Hip-Hop :: Drugs : Pete Doherty”? Give us your best “Diddy is to Hip-Hop as A is to B,” SAT-style analogy. Winning entry gets points on their CNN.com Indie Cred.