MC Hammer announced earlier today that he’s launching a search engine, which … of course. It’s called WireDoo. More like, WireDon’t! Am I right?!

The Twitterati, like always, was quick to react via the hashtag #rapsearchengines. The best:

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The latest G.O.O.D. FRIDAY track from Kayne is “So Appalled,” which is a head fake from what you will want to call the track after hearing it which is “Fucking Ridiculous,” not for the came0 list (because it is, but so has been almost every Friday treat @kanyewest’s tweeted for the series so far) but for the operative phrase, which gets tossed and twisted by most everyone who grabs a mic (Jay-Z, Pusha T, RZA, Swizz Beaet, Cyhi The Prynce) during the cut’s nearly seven minutes. Additionally the song’s spawned a fucking ridiculous beef: Jay’Z says “I lost 30 MIL so I spent another 30 / because unlike Hammer 30 Mil can’t hurt me” and Hammerpants Tweeted back some devil-related dis talk, and has promised a response track his own on 10/31 called “Devil’s Nite.” Pretty cool guys. Hear it below:

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Take our ink-stained hands and join us at the OldStand, where Jon McMillan goes to remind everyone what an honest-to-goodness music magazine is supposed to look like.

We’ve suffered through some half-assed list issues here at the OldStand, but RS 602 (“New Faces ’91″) has a compelling mixture of the thoughtful, the prescient, and the ridiculous. On the plus side: David Fricke’s trip inside the acid-fried mind of Ministry’s Alain Jourgensen, the patron saint of Chicago’s Wax Trax records, and a primer on independent labels which, in the days before the internet, might have been a suburban kid’s first exposure to Matador, Sub Pop, Creation, and Flying Nun.

As with any exercise in picking the “next big thing,” there are some hits and some misses. The Charlatans UK (lead singer Tim Burgess looks “like New Kid on the Block Jordan Night on ecstasy”) and De La Soul are still active 17 years later, and it’s hard to argue with the Chris Isaak pick. Even the obligatory artists-recommend-artists section has a few gems, including Brian Eno on My Bloody Valentine: “[Soon] sets a new standard for pop … it’s the vaguest piece of music ever to have been a hit.”

And then there’s New Faces cover boys Extreme. Allow me to transcribe:

“There are lines you draw, Paul, no matter what you do,” Bettencourt is saying. “We could sell a million records, but if it’s all twelve-year-old girls who think that one of us is pretty, what the fuck kind of audience is that to have? Of course you want to be rich, but how far would you go, you know? Would you suck dick to do it?”

“Thaaat’s debatable!” barks Cherone happily.

Bettencourt and Geary shoot irritated glances at Cherone, then get back to the topic at hand.

“Seriously, what’s the most important thing to you?” asks Geary. “Maintaining your integrity? What I’m saying is, if you’ve got your bottom line, then shut up. You want your cake and eat it, too.”

The two continue to hammer away at each other; apparently neither realizes that although they’re approaching the argument from different angles, they’re both making the same point.

“I recently read this thing,” Geary says. “The guitar players in Warrant were in Guitar Player, and I notice that they’re struggling for respect from their peers. That’s a big major problem for them. They have all the money, and they’ve got success, and…”

“I’m just making a point,” says Geary. “Warrant is saying, ‘Jeez, I got a million dollars, but I don’t have any integrity,’ and you’re saying you’d rather have what you have than what they have.”

“Okay, then be quiet,” says Bettencourt sullenly.

More than words, indeed!

And it gets even more embarrassing, with a not-nearly-ironic-enough pullout fashion spread featuring dueling MCs Hammer and Van Winkle and a shitload of Z Cavaricci (Hammer: “Contrary to the Media, Vanilla Ice and I have actually been friends for about three years”). Now, I don’t know much about fashion, but I do know that in 2-4 years, when the coming early-90s nostalgia apocalypse comes, we will all look like idiots. Except, apparently, for Vanilla Ice, who will look like Frank Sinatra.

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