Once upon a time that thing that’s pictured up there happened. It was not really one of the The Worst Super Bowl Halftime Performances. But it does mark a turning point after which Super Bowl Performances would be scrubbed within an inch of their life of anything resembling hormonal charge. (Unless we’re talking about Prince’s phallic guitar slinging inside a giant condom or The Boss’s national crotch shot impregnating my eyeballs.) Not that they were all that great before all the sexual sanitation. Honestly, after watching too many halftime shows for this post, most of them do not qualify as the worst at anything, aside from keeping my attention. They’re just dull! And occasionally, awkward. So it’s the awkward that we’re focusing on here. The Super Bowl is America’s game, and nothing is more American than supersized, garish endeavors lacking class or tact or any sense of consequence. So of course the halftime show is an American curiosity. And like lots of things having to do with pop culture and American curiosity, it all changed with Michael Jackson.

MJ brought people together, but he divides alot, too: eras in music, fashion, and tabloid sensationalism; public opinion over his personal affairs. One such area that doesn’t immediately spring to mind is that of the Super Bowl Halftime show, but consider it: Before 1993 the most outlandishly “spectacular” this thing got was, like, Chubby Checker and a marching band. Dope. But when MJ came out that year, wearing those aviators and a white forearm warmer and dressed like a South American war general that had staged the most fashionably fabulous coup in military history, the Super Bowl spectacle was born. And so was the tradition of halftime show one-upsmanship, to ends occasionally fantastic, fleetingly nippled, generally log-jammed with no organizing principle save maximizing celebrity factor. And in the name of the spectacle have been committed some heinous crimes to our collective attention spans.

Speaking of: The Black Eyed Peas. We’re on the eve of their Super Bowl halftime show, which will occur between halves of the sportsball match this Sunday. In honor of everything will.i.am represents aesthetically, here are the worst Super Bowl halftime shows since we were born:

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Twice a week, we dig in the MTV/VH1 archives for videos that we find noteworthy, memorable, or just unbelievably stupid. Is it crap, or is it the greatest video ever made? You decide.

“Grillz”
Nelly, 2006

Some things to consider while you?re examining Paul Wall?s gums?

Things were going well until they opened their mouths
At first glance this seems like your typical hip-hop video. Smoking-hot women in bikinis, Nelly with his shirt off, lots of colorful hats. Everybody hanging out in slow motion and having the absolute best time ever. And then come the fifty close-ups of mouth-bling. Or, as we like to call it, Weird Al?s kryptonite.

Our Moms was not happy, and neither was Dr. Goldberg
We?ve been having a recurring nightmare about rooting through the dumpster behind Chuck E Cheese searching for the $60,000 platinum and diamond retainer we accidentally left beside the pizza box while we were off playing Zaxon.

It?s getting hot in here, so take out all you teeth
If there?s a stupider wannabe trend, in hip hop or otherwise, we can?t think of it. How long do you think it took for the guys who listened to Nelly and melted their jewelry down into custom orthodontia to regret their decision? Six, seven seconds? And you know there was at least one guy who actually had his teeth pulled, and Nelly was like ?No, man, caps! We?re all wearing caps!? This is the sort of nonsense that makes us miss Ol? Dirty Bastard.

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