New Michael Jackson (Feat. Akon) – “Hold My Hand”

Michael’s still hugging and rearing children (he said “rearing children”), Akon still loves throwing them offstage and dry humping them onstage, and that’s why I get so moved when I hear them sing the lyric “hold my hand” in this new jam (not jam) “Hold My Hand.” These are just normal, affectionate guys talking about engaging in normal, affectionate behavior. It’s all very convincing.

My favorite part of this song, which might be on MJ’s forthcoming album, is not the banal and generic lyrical motif that effectively screams “I’ve never been in a functional relationship in my life,” and is not those instances of hip autotune, but the fact that if you squeeze your eyes close enough and tilt your head you can hear a few shades of Spice Girls’ “2 Become 1” in there. But that’s probably just because I am always thinking about Michael Jackson and Spice Girls first thing in the morning.

PREVIOUSLY IN AKON & MICHAEL JACKSON: Akon manages to fuck up “Wanna Be Startin’ Something” … by making it sound like Train.