On Wednesday, police in Sierra Blanca, TX arrested Fiona Apple for possession of hashish. This was a border stop where, it turns out, quite a few celebrities have been arrested for drug possession, to the point where I have to wonder why people don’t pick another route for their tour buses. And after being released, Apple played a Friday night show in Houston where, onstage, she went off on a cryptic and weird but ultimately pretty badass rant about her arrest and her jail stay. As someone on Twitter pointed out, it’s even better if you imagine that she’s speaking in Liam Neeson’s Taken voice. Watch video of her rant and read a transcription of it below.
Now, most of the people were very nice to me. There are four of you out there, and I want you to know that I heard everything you did. I wrote it all down with your names and everything you did and said stupidly thinking that I couldn’t hear or see you. I then ripped the paper up, but not before I encoded it and– I got two lock boxes. We’ll call them “holding cell one” and “holding cell two”. In “holding cell one” is the encoded version of the shit that you did that I know was inappropriate and probably illegal. In “holding cell two” is the decoder. I’m the only one who holds the key, and you and I will be intimate forever because I will hold that secret forever. Unless of course the celebrity that you had so much interest in but you wanted to accuse me of bringing up while you laughed at me all night? Unless you’re interested in being a celebrity, I’ll make you fucking famous any time you ask and I’ll open those boxes. So why don’t you stay in your fucking holding cell?
Don’t make her open the lockboxes!
UPDATE: Hudspeth County Sheriff’s Department Public Information Officer Rusty Fleming responds to Fiona’s speech in a letter. Read it below, via TMZ:
First, Honey, I’m already more famous than you, I don’t need your help. However, it would appear that you need mine….
Two weeks ago nobody in the country cared about what you had to say, — now that you’ve been arrested it appears your entire career has been jump-started. Don’t worry Sweetie, I won’t bill you…
Next, have you ever heard of Snoop, Willie or Armand Hammer? Maybe if you would read something besides your own press releases, you would have known BEFORE you got here, that if you come to Texas with dope, the cops will take your DOPE away and put YOU in jail…
Even though you and I only met briefly in the hallway, I don’t know you but I’m sure you’re an awesome and talented young woman and even though I’m not a fan of yours, I am sure there are thousands of them out there, and I’m sure that they would just as soon you get this all behind you and let you go back to what you do best—so my last piece of advice is simple “just shut-up and sing.”