The Tobacco Illuminati

The Tobacco Illuminati

Here’s another thing I’d never seen at a festival: smoking lounges. There’s a Marlboro one that’s just kind of a black structure with some seating areas around it, a small Camel one in an aluminum-plated trailer with the brand name lit up in little lines of light bulbs, and the one I eventually enter, American Spirit’s weird tropical cabin. As if the existence of these things wasn’t confusing enough, they’re incredibly uptight about access. As you might imagine, these “lounges” actually turn out to be more or less marketing ploys. They’re very strict about you not taking photos of the exterior or the interior of the lounges. They’re also very strict about letting you in. One guy checks your ID very carefully, then they stamp your hand, then you have to wait at the door until an American Spirit Associate (they didn’t call them this, but it seems apt) has you sit down with them on one of their cozy little couches (because it’s a lounge!). While at the door, a hostess asks me if I’m a “full-time smoker.”

“Uh, no,” I answer, “I just wanted to see the inside for an article I’m writing.”

“You need to be a full-time smoker to enter.”

“Is this a legal thing?”

“Yes,” she responds surreptitiously.

“Oh, uh, OK, I’m a ‘full-time smoker.'”

Anyway, then they sit you down with an American Spirit Associate who asks to see your ID again, which they then photograph. They ask you for all your info, ostensibly so they can send you coupons but I’m pretty sure it’s just because they’re looking for people to consider inducting into the Tobacco Illuminati. After that they try to be all 21st century and green-corporate and have you put your thumb in green ink and press it to a map of Texas and they promise you a tree will be planted in Austin in your name. They give you a coupon to buy a pack for a dollar, and a little milk carton of water emblazoned with the slogan “Boxed Water is Better!” and the stipulation “Best by 8/26/14″ before they send you on your way.