Read An Excerpt From El-P’s Steven Seagal Fan Fiction

I have met El-P face-to-face exactly once, and during that one meeting, we ended up spending enough time on the Hard Target-vs.-Surviving The Game conversation that I’m pretty sure we bored everyone around us. He is a man who knows things about ’90s action movies. And as such, he’s a self-professed Steven Seagal superfan, as he discusses in a recent AV Club interview. The best Seagal movie, as fans know, is 1991’s Out For Justice, in which Seagal attempts a Brooklyn accent and takes on a mafia wiseguy who’s gone all mad dog. And the best scene in Out For Justice is the one in which Seagal swaggers into a bar full of mob underlings and fucks all of them up viciously. In that scene, there’s a character named Stix, who uses pool cues as martial arts weapons and who gets his wrist broken attempting to duel with Seagal. El-P has written a piece of fan fiction about what happens to Sticks after his fateful meeting with Seagal. Read that and watch the scene from Out For Justice below.

A desperate, sad cough rings out from the floor. Stix lies on his back in a pool of teeth and blood.

“SOMEONE CALL 911. PLEASE. I’M HURT. I’M REALLY BADLY HURT. CALL MY WIFE.”

Rehab was an intense thirteen-month program and there were times in which he almost cracked under the strain. I visited him, once, right after he was admitted. He was asleep. The clicking and whirring of machines filled the room.

(via El-P’s Tumblr)

I can also report that Killer Mike really likes Tombstone.

Tags: El-P