[Ed. Note: Carmen Petaccio is a writer from New York City. He blogs regularly at bpofd.com and loves Sleepy Hollow.]
His name is Ichabod Crane. In 1776, the FOX Broadcasting Company placed his spooky supernatural buddy cop sci-fi time-travel action dramedy on a seemingly endless holiday hiatus. And in those dark days America’s only defense against the forces of evil/hell/Chris Christie were Juan Pablo and the Peanut M&M. But those dark days are, thankfully, over. Ichabod Crane has returned from holiday hiatus, and he has done so in the highest and most irksome of fashions: skinny jeans from Urban Outfitters.
Being a human being, Ichabod hates trying on his skinny jeans from Urban Outfitters. Luckily, his best friend and cop partner Abbie is there to provide emotional support and color-blocked tees. He says, “I don’t understand your obsession with my finery.” I say, “Well you better start understanding,” as I admire his Jared Leto skeleton legs. Abbie defines the word “boondoggle” for Ichabod. Ichabod changes into his usual threadbare duster and reminds her that there’s a ten-foot-tall, inter-dimensional molester demon trying to murder her. Business as usual!
Captain Orlando Jones has his hands full at SHPD, where he’s investigating the demon-possessed Hot Dog salesman who said demons were gonna steal or maybe kill his daughter, Rue from District 11. So OJ has assembled a crack team of quadrilateral-jawed PIs, including jerk-faced Morales and some other Abercrombie model who will definitely die. What they don’t know is that the demon can hop from one body to another. Hot Dog Salesman passed the demon onto the Lady in the Park, and now the Lady in the Park has passed the demon onto some Rando Cop. Rando Cop then calls OJ from (Scream voice) inside the Sleepy Hollow Police Department. The demon wants George Washington’s Bible (natch). OJ calls Abbie for the Bible. Abbie can’t talk because she’s watching the Sheriff’s demon exorcism vlog, on which her sister, Jenny, is the demon-possessed person being demon exorcised. What a sentence.
Enter Jenny. She refuses to help, remembers this is Sleepy Hollow, and agrees to help. They stream more of Sheriff’s vlog, where Demon Jenny writhes in her Ring costume and screams about killing Abbie. Apparently, Jenny forgot to mention any of this, since they weren’t “besties” then. (Chill omission, chill use of “bestie” in demon murder discussion.) She refuses to help again, but Ichabod reminds her this is Sleepy Hollow, persuasion capital of the universe, so she agrees to help. Then she confesses to getting herself arrested and committed to prevent her murdering Abbie, which she also forgot to mention, since they weren’t “besties.” Cool omissions all around from J. Mills.
At the OJ-arranged “safe” house for Rue, the now demon-possessed Agent Abercrombie is passing demon-possession around like that cough that was going around my work last week. He’s got it, then Morales has got it, before you know it, everybody’s
coughing possessed by a demon. But the safe house’s complimentary exorcism priest is taking every precaution. He’s poured salt across all the doorways, which Demon Morales can’t get past. Until Demon Morales asks Abercrombie (who was just possessed by a demon for who knows how long and has no memory of anything that transpired) to wipe away the salt. Abercrombie complies immediately, of course, and also immediately gets rear naked choked to death by Demon Morales. DM tosses Abercrombie’s body off the porch like yesterday’s hummus container and goes inside the safe house. I don’t care how elusive my daughter is in the Arena; I don’t want this freak anywhere near her.
Back at HQ, it’s time for another 10-minute history lesson (never enough!) on dead languages. The gang figures out that they need Benjamin Franklin’s demon-capturing lantern if they’re gonna capture this week’s demon with this week’s cool name, “Ancitif.” And you’d probably think it’d be difficult to track down one of Benjamin Franklin’s demon-capturing lanterns in Westchester County after dark, but you’d be very, very wrong. Because Jenny knows just the doomsday prepper gang to get one from (one being a Benjamin Franklin demon-capturing lantern). They go and do that and almost die until Jenny pops up dual-wielding Uzis. Also Rue is possessed by the demon now.
As Ichs, Abs, and Jens rush to the scene, Demon Rue makes quite a fuss. She grows man hands and another forehead. She breaks the complimentary priest’s neck in graphic detail. She even nearly neck-breaks her mommy (teenagers and their Biebers!), but OJ agrees to fork over George Washington’s Bible. The two groups converge at HQ, where Demon Rue’s snarling and WWE voice are no match for the demon-capturing power of Benjamin Franklin’s demon-capturing lantern. So all better! Rue’s man hands become teen hands again, her second forehead ascends to second forehead heaven. Abbie and Jenny hug. Ichabod still isn’t wearing skinny jeans. It all works out (except maybe for Morales, whose being alive status is never clarified). Or at least it seems like it all works out, until Ichabod uses his mortar and pestle to concoct a solution that renders invisible ink visible which he then applies to George Washington’s Bible where a secret message — you know where I’m going with this — George Washington. ISN’T. DEAD. (MAYBE?)