The 2014 People’s Choice Awards

Once again, I forgot to mail in my ballot for the People’s Choice Awards. After so many years, you have to wonder why we even bother playing McDonald’s Monopoly, saving all of our Monopoly tear-offs, and mailing them in for our People’s Choice ballot if we’re not even going to remember to mail the ballot back to People’s Choice HQ in time for the ceremony. Uggghh. What a waste! The show went on without us, though, hosted by 2 Broke Girls’ Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs. I did not watch it, because I am a human being, and literally every human being has something better to do than watch the People’s Choice Awards. Dogs left alone in houses for a few hours? Maybe they can watch the People’s Choice Awards, so they don’t get lonely, but leave the rest of us out of it. The results are insane, though. I mean — really, the categories are insane. The results are garbage, no duh, but the categories read as if the People’s Choice Awards got in trouble with everyone in Hollywood’s mom for not having enough yearbook superlatives for everyone, so they just made a hyper-specific superlative for every single person. “On-Screen Chemistry” is a category. “TV Gal Pals” is a category. “TV Anti-Hero” is a category that Bryan Cranston didn’t even win. (Oh, but don’t worry, Breaking Bad did get the coveted “Series We Miss Most.”) Oh brother. Speaking of Bryan Cranston, he for some reason made a sort-of appearance in the incredibly bad opening skit — like, I don’t want to pick on it too much, because it is the People’s Choice Awards and what do you expect, but it begins in the 2 Broke Girls diner and Christina Aguilera is a waitress and says it’s okay that they don’t get a lot of tips because she has enough tips, and she points to her breasts? — WHAT? — which you can watch after the jump. Also after the jump: all the winners! YAY! OUR WINNERS!

Beth Behrs & Kat Dennings Open The People… by IdolxMuzic

Movie Actress: Sandra Bullock

Movie Actor: Johnny Depp

MovieIron Man 3

Movie Duo: Sandra Bullock and George Clooney (Gravity)

Action MovieIron Man 3

Dramatic MovieGravity

Dramatic Movie Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio

Dramatic Movie Actress: Sandra Bullock

Family MovieDespicable Me 2

Horror MovieCarrie

Thriller MovieNow You See Me

Favorite Year-End MovieThe Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Comedic MovieThe Heat

Action Movie Star: Robert Downey Jr.

Comedic Movie Actress: Sandra Bullock

AlbumThe 20/20 Experience, Justin Timberlake

Daytime TV Host: Ellen DeGeneres

New Talk-Show Host: Queen Latifah

Competition TV ShowThe Voice

Comedic Movie Actor: Adam Sandler

Network TV DramaThe Good Wife

On-Screen Chemistry: Ian Somerhalder (Damon) and Nina Dobrev (Elena), The Vampire Diaries

Pop Artist: Britney Spears

Comedic TV Actress: Kaley Cuoco

Comedic TV Actor: Chris Colfer

Dramatic TV Actor: Josh Charles

Cable TV DramaThe Walking Dead

Actor in a New TV Series: Joseph Morgan

Late-Night Talk Show Host: Stephen Colbert

Humanitarian: Jennifer Hudson

Actress in a New TV Series: Sarah Michelle Gellar

Network TV ComedyThe Big Bang Theory

Sci-fi/Fantasy TV Actor: Ian Somerhalder

Cable TV Actress: Lucy Hale

Streaming SeriesOrange Is the New Black

Dramatic TV Actress: Stana Katic

TV Crime DramaCastle

Cable TV ComedyPsych

Premium Cable TV ShowHomeland

TV Anti-Hero: Andrew Lincoln (Rick Grimes), The Walking Dead

Sci-fi/Fantasy TV ShowBeauty and the Beast

Sci-fi/Fantasy TV Actress: Kristin Kreuk

New TV ComedySuper Fun Night

New TV DramaReign

TV Bromance: Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles and Misha Collins (Sam, Dean and Castiel), Supernatural

TV Gal Pals: Naya Rivera and Lea Michele (Santana and Rachel), Glee

TV Movie/Mini-SeriesAmerican Horror Story

Series We Miss MostBreaking Bad

Male Artist: Justin Timberlake

Female Artist: Demi Lovato

Breakout Artist: Ariana Grande

Country Artist: Taylor Swift

Country Music Icon: Tim McGraw

Hip-Hop Artist: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

R&B Artist: Justin Timberlake

Band: One Direction

Alternative Band: Fall Out Boy

SongRoar, Katy Perry

Music Fan Following: Lovatics (Demi Lovato fans)

Music VideoRoar, Katy Perry