Ah, our final meeting of the Videogum Holiday Movie Club on Christmas day. How appropriate. Truthfully, it’s hard to celebrate anything on the day after Justin Bieber announced that he is “officially retiring,” and one wishes that he would have saved that devastating, true, and — above all — binding Tweet for after the holidays, but here we are. Just as young artists desperately need literally any single person to watch over them lest they forever act out in self- and career-damaging ways, we desperately need to come together and discuss White Christmas, lest I don’t know what. We die? I forget the stipulations of your Videogum Holiday Movie Club contracts, but I vaguely remember something about death being the punishment for not meeting and discussing whichever holiday movie was chosen. Oh well!

White Christmas is a classic, so I barely even know what to say about it. You wonder why the CM (club master) would have chosen a movie like that, LOL, what was she thinking. And declaring that she’d discuss it on Christmas day? Lunatic! In any case, the movie is appropriately titled, that is for sure. The only way they could have improved the title, I think, would be to have called it Super White Christmas. Or wait, Super White And Also Army Christmas. Bing Crosby’s Super White And Also Army Christmas. As one always does when one watches any movie, I was trying to think who could be cast in the doomed-to-fail remake of a musical movie like this, and I guess the only male options would be Justin Timberlake and Joseph Gordon-Levitt?

Yuck! Gross. “2014’s most showboat-y showboats ARE Bing Crosby’s Super White And Also Army Christmas.” (Justin Beiber retired just in time, R.I.P.) And then Anna Kendrick plays both Betty and Judy, I guess? Maybe Zooey Deschanel could play one of them, eek. (Specifically not saying Anne Hathaway.) (And you know Taylor Swift would lobby so hard for Taylor Swift, but.) Can Greta Gerwig sing and dance? I know she danced a bit in Frances Ha, but is it enough? Why aren’t performers required to be able to sing and dance anymore? It’s not fair. Take a ballet class, Benedict, get in on this sweet pretend-yet-still-awful remake action! Whom would you cast in the awful remake? What do you think of White Christmas? Perfect classic? Needs no picking apart on a pop culture website on Christmas day? LEEMMEE KNOW! And, if you’d like, please come back tomorrow when we’ll reveal another 2013 favorites list.