Monsters’ Ball: The Top 50 Comments Of 2013

We’ve had quite a year together. Jennifer Lawrence won an Oscar, for one. Million Second Quiz was a television mystery on NBC, for two. One Direction rose to both the top of the box office and the Billboard charts, just kidding, but it has been quite a year! Videogum looks a bit different now than it did a few months ago, but something that hasn’t changed is, well, you. Although the Videogum community is ever-evolving, you guys can always be counted on to be a smart, challenging, very funny, and incredibly supportive bunch of people. INTERNET COMMENTERS! We don’t talk about it infrequently, but it deserves every mention it gets. This is a very special little iHole you’ve dug out here (I’m sticking with “iHole,” yes), and I am incredibly happy that I get to be a part of it. I appreciate the idea that Videogum is an important place because, even before my name was on it, it had long been an important place for me. So, thank you for keeping it so great. To continue the celebration and get us prepared for whatever award show (and otherwise) mysteries await us in 2014, here are your top 50 highest rated comments of 2013.

#50 lilbobbytables | Mar 5th Score:50
Yeah. I mean, I object to the apparent idea that being pro-woman or a feminist or however people put it means blindly supporting anyone no matter what they do because they are a woman. Nope! That’s silly.

Also there are special hells for everything these days. Hell must be a pain in the ass to navigate.

Posted in: Oh Shut Up, Taylor Swift
#49 Frank Lloyd Wrong | Apr 16th Score:51
“Thanks?” — Gwyneth Paltrow.
Posted in: There Are Worse People Than Gwyneth Paltrow Though
#48 huckabeast | Jan 29th Score:51
“Okay, sir, it’s a little involved, but I think I’ve come up with a plan to get Russel Brand out of our yoga studio forever.”
Posted in: Russel Brand Staged A Walkout At A Yoga Studio Because Huh?
#46 nastyemu | Sep 23rd Score:52
If Vince Gilligan really wants to give us all a big “Fuck You”, the finale will just be Saul managing a Cinnabon in Omaha and then a 30 second news clip comes on his TV that explains how all the Walt/Jesse/Nazi/Skyler/Lydia stuff ends.
Posted in: Breaking Bad S05E15: It’s [Cough] [Cough] [Cough] Not [Cough] Over!
#45 Frank Lloyd Wrong | Jul 29th Score:53
You know how in AI, the little robot kid asks for one perfect day with his birth mom as a final wish before he explodes (I kind of don’t remember that movie that well). Anyway, I kind of feel like this last bittersweet WMOAT is that perfect day and I guess I’m the robot kid and Gabe is…my…mom? Hooooookay, that got off the rails, but you get where I’m going with this I think.
Posted in: The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Elizabethtown (Redux)
#44 lawblog | Apr 18th Score:53
Ok. Listen the fuck up everyone because I’m only going to say this shit FUCKING ONCE.

87 years ago, our fucking fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the fucking proposition that ALL FUCKING MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL. Do you need me to repeat myself? Or are you guys just retarded, and not deaf, too? No? Good.

Well guess what? Now we are engaged in a great civil war. A CIVIL FUCKING WAR. Now how the fuck are we supposed to endure that shit? Hmm? Did you not just listen to me? That part where we’re all fucking equal? Yeah. Well now we are met on a great battle field of that war. You know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live because that’s what good Goddamn Americans do. And what are we? That’s right. Not boring ass French. Or weird ass Chinese. Fucking Americans.

Hold the fuck on, though, because big fucking picture? We can’t consecrate or dedicate or any fucking hallowate this ground. Those brave bitches who fought here? Who put their fucking LIVES ON THE LINE? Yeah. They’re the motherfuckers who consecrated this shit. News flash time: The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. Ok, faggots? It is for us the living, rather, the living who aren’t too retarded to know what day it is, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. “But, Lincoln” You’re probably saying, “What are we supposed to do?” And to that I say, “Stop fucking whining before I cunt punt you. Now listen.” We gotta remember that these bitches died, ok? FUCKING DIED for this country. So every time you’re like “but I don’t want to” or “What’s a sport?” or “I’m pretty sure the 2nd amendment applies to assault rifles” remember what happened here, and fucking resolve that they have not died in vain. Resolve that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. Got it, fagtards?

Posted in: A Friendly Chat With Gabe And Kelly: Planning The Sorority Girl E-Mail Movie
#43 miss lonelyhearts | Mar 5th Score:53
If you work as hard as guys?! IF YOU WORK AS HARD AS GUYS?!
Posted in: Oh Shut Up, Taylor Swift
#42 topknot | Jul 29th Score:53
Thank you for this going away gift, Gabe. You will be missed!
Posted in: The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Elizabethtown (Redux)
#41 martinmegs | Jan 17th Score:54
Let’s not ignore the best part of the Te’o story: Donald Trump tweeted to congratulate the guys who wrote the article, and Deadspin replied: “Go fuck yourself.”
Posted in: Snake Chases Workers Manti Te’o Open Thread
#40 Frank Lloyd Wrong | Feb 26th Score:54
Gabe, “a” martial arts class? C’mon. Don’t be modest about your accomplishments.



Posted in: Never Leave The House

Angela Dean | Aug 2nd Score:54
Techno Jeremy — you are finally free to relax.

Relax, sweet Techno Jeremy


Posted in: This Is Just A Goodbye Post
#38 topknot | Apr 30th Score:55
There’s always money in the banana scam.
Posted in: That’s Your Boyfriend: The Man Who Lost His Life Savings On A Carnival Game, Dreadlock Banana
#37 lawblog | Sep 16th Score:55
Meanwhile, on the other side of town…


Posted in: Breaking Bad S05E14: “REALLY? REALLY?! TRY TO BREATHE?!”
#36 catweazle | Feb 7th Score:55
They were going to try to use the other huge hit song of 2012 but the contestants found it too confusing.



Posted in: Jeopardy! Makes Desperate Bid For Infinite ReTumbls
#35 lawblog | Jul 29th Score:56
Just to get this out of the way, because sincerity is THE WORST, I would like to sincerely thank you for all the work you’ve put in to this website. You’ve made me laugh, think, laugh again, annoy my fiancée by telling her about all the funny and interesting stuff you’ve posted, and fostered a really great internet community. I’ve met many awesome people through here, and it’s thanks to this thing you’ve created. I will miss reading your grumpy old man rants and your weird father issues and your hatred of GOOP, and, although I had already come to suspect it, the confirmation that there will never be another WMOAT does make me genuinely a little sad. So, thank you sincerely, Gabe. You will be missed.
Posted in: The Videogum Movie Club: The Wolverine
#34 Frank Lloyd Wrong | Jul 2nd Score:56
“Buy me some peanuts and *mumble* jacks. I don’t care if I ever get back.”
Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: CNN Asks The Tough Questions
#33 catweazle | Jan 28th Score:56
Watch out, Gabe. Pretty sure Taylor is already writing a song about this:

Thought his blog was cool

‘Til he made me look like a fool

Please turn off that capslock key

And stop being so mean to me!

Posted in: Some Extraordinary News
#32 Frank Lloyd Wrong | Sep 3rd Score:56
Jesse. Maybe… maybe stop getting into cars with bald guys.


Posted in: Breaking Bad S05E12: Going Over Some Options
#31 stu | Sep 30th Score:57
My favorite part of that scene may have been how, after watching his whole family machine gunned down, Todd’s main emotion seems to that he’s really impressed by how Mr White pulled it off. Fucking psychopath to the end!
Posted in: Breaking Bad S05E16: Series Finale
#30 topknot | Jan 28th Score:57
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you rest your case.
Posted in: Some Extraordinary News
#29 Frank Lloyd Wrong | Mar 5th Score:57
“Next. Murderer? Take this ticket and proceed to the left. Next, Rapist? Take this ticket and proceed to the left. Next. Oh shit! A woman who didn’t help another women?! Hold on a sec. Danny? Danny?! Did the shuttle for the special place leave yet?” — Hell Admissions
Posted in: Oh Shut Up, Taylor Swift
#27 lilbobbytables | Mar 18th Score:58
From Seamus Gallagher on tumblr:



Posted in: If You Don’t Want To Be “Labeled A Sex Offender,” Don’t Rape Someone!
#26 Frank Lloyd Wrong | Aug 2nd Score:59
And, of course, That ’70s Show remains popular in syndication.
Posted in: This Is Just A Goodbye Post
#25 facetaco | Jul 2nd Score:59
PRO TIP: It’s the one you’re too scared to write out on national television.
Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: CNN Asks The Tough Questions
#24 KajusX & Chainsaws | Apr 15th Score:59
Hopefully if Anne Frank were alive today she would tweet out well wishes to the victims of the Boston Marathon Bombing.
Posted in: Once Again, The Internet Is Completely Useless In The Face Of Real Human Tragedy
#23 catweazle | Mar 5th Score:59
Can somebody give me directions to this “special hell”? Because if Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are there, that’s where I want to go when I kick it.
Posted in: Oh Shut Up, Taylor Swift
#22 Dan Electrode | Mar 18th Score:60
“Who is the REAL victim? The perpetrators of horrific sexual violence, or the victim?” – CNN
Posted in: If You Don’t Want To Be “Labeled A Sex Offender,” Don’t Rape Someone!
#21 catweazle | Apr 29th Score:63
“If there was a way for diet Snapple to be homophobic.”

You’d be surprised!



Posted in: The Videogum Movie Club: Pain & Gain
#20 Stir Friday | Jul 29th Score:63
I have been clamoring for a new WMOAT for months, but at what cost?
Posted in: The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Elizabethtown (Redux)
#19 imsteph | Mar 5th Score:63
Uh this was her answer when someone asked her if she considers herself a feminist: “I don’t really think about things as guys versus girls. I never have. I was raised by parents who brought me up to think if you work as hard as guys, you can go far in life.” So this is definitely a girl who thinks feminism = man-hating, right? But my best friends Amy and Tina are going to hell for not helping other women (other women = Taylor Swift only)?
Posted in: Oh Shut Up, Taylor Swift
#18 tom allen | Jul 29th Score:64
Thanks Gabe. You’re the best.
Posted in: The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Elizabethtown (Redux)
#17 Gabe Delahaye | Jan 28th Score:64
From YouTube user Crystalstarxx 17 minutes ago: “Wow seriously diet coke”


“Wow seriously diet coke”

Posted in: Some Extraordinary News
#16 facetaco | Aug 2nd Score:64
OK, for reals. This stupid, stupid website is one of a kind. Partly because of the writing, but also because it is the only website I know of where the commenters are nearly always kind, supportive, thoughtful, and hilarious. And not racist. But none of that would be possible without Gabe. You have been responsible for some of the biggest laughs and warmest fuzzies I’ve had over the last few years. Thanks for that.

P.S. I’m still calculating how much you owe my company for all the time I’ve spent here instead of working, but the bill should be arriving in 7-10 business days. It’s gonna be a lot of papers.

Posted in: This Is Just A Goodbye Post
#15 martinmegs | Apr 29th Score:65
I guess it’s true, you only find something after you stop looking for it.
Posted in: The Videogum Movie Club: Pain & Gain
#14 koko apple love all ball munch strong | Aug 2nd Score:66
bye gabe. you friend
Posted in: This Is Just A Goodbye Post
#13 truckasaurus | Mar 5th Score:67
How hard was it for the Vanity Fair writer to keep a straight face during this? Scale of Bill Hader to Jimmy Fallon?
Posted in: Oh Shut Up, Taylor Swift
#12 briadru4 | Aug 2nd Score:68


Posted in: This Is Just A Goodbye Post
#11 Patrick M | Aug 2nd Score:69
I don’t know why it feels stupid to say this, but this dumb website has meant a lot to me (I know the site is not going away). I have met many people that I now consider my IRL friends through Videogum and its unofficial offshoots.

There have been times when the comment section for a post feels like a particuarly good writer’s room and those times are literally joyous to me; but “A writer’s room is only as good as its show runner” (Sophocles) and Gabe has been an outstanding one; I wish you all the luck in whatever it is you’re doing next: Have fun at dinner.

Posted in: This Is Just A Goodbye Post

Sarah Fonder | Mar 5th Score:70
“But women who write songs about how much dick their crush’s girlfriend sucks are, like, totally going to Heaven.”

–Madeleine Albright, probably

Posted in: Oh Shut Up, Taylor Swift
#9 Frank Lloyd Wrong | Mar 14th Score:71
Yeah, but Gabe almost had to do links that day, so really you both evened out.
Posted in: My Day At The Steve Wilkos Show
#8 Apartment Tiger | Feb 25th Score:72
“Local Idiot Learns it is not Okay to Call a Little Girl a Cunt.”
Posted in: Dear Comedy, Just So You Know, You Are Allowed To Apologize
#7 Superglue | Jul 29th Score:73
1) Called it.

2) Since I won’t be around for Gabe’s last post on Friday because my stupid brother is getting stupid married, I will have to put my sappy and sentimental goodbye here. It seems appropriate. Like a lot of people here, I started reading Videogum for the Lost recaps, probably linked from the FourFour ANTM recaps, and stayed for all the same reasons everyone else did: The hilarious posts, the sardonic worldview, the ridiculously amazing commenting community, and the general way in which this blog has filled a need in my life to talk with thoughtful people about things that matter to me, even if they don’t matter in the grand scheme of things (e.g., TV shows and bad movies).

While it did seem, especially in the post-Lindsay, pre-Kelly days, that Gabe had been waning on his enthusiasm for Videogum, he was always here for us. And when he wasn’t here for us, he looked out by giving monsters like me opportunities to guest blog. Amazing! And during that time, the Monster community exploded, establishing chat and MOBFD and a nationwide Meetup Series, thanks primarily to Chris Trash and Werttrew and the NYC Monsters. But ultimately it comes back to Gabe and his constant inclusion of the community in the blog. This is as much our place as it has been his, which was by design and which will make it possible for this place to exist in a Time After Gabe.

So this is all to say that, while Gabe is the backbone and the original voice of this blog, what he (and Scott and Amrit and Lindsay) started here is special, and he deserves to move on to something bigger and better. Blogging professionally isn’t necessarily the best terminal career choice, and we all knew this day would come eventually (Friday), and we will grieve and move on. It’s been real, and it will continue to be real. And of course I have no real information about what Gabe is off to do, but I imagine it will be something that will expose more people to his very special brand of humor. That’s exciting!

Anyway, while I am sad, I am excited for Gabe. However, as a form of alimony, I demand joint custody of Birdie, or at least a Doctor Birdie episode before the week is through.

Farewell Gabe,


See you at the crossroads,


Posted in: The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Elizabethtown (Redux)
#6 Scott Lapatine | Aug 2nd Score:76
Posted in: This Is Just A Goodbye Post
#5 Patrick M | Feb 25th Score:83
How is LA? Are you making any friends?
Posted in: It Might Finally Be Time To Admit That The Oscars Inherently Suck
#4 jawnofthedead | Mar 5th Score:83
“That’s it. Give in to your hate.” – Emperor Katie Couric



Posted in: Oh Shut Up, Taylor Swift
#3 Gabe Delahaye | Jan 28th Score:92
I do NOT like this video!
Posted in: Some Extraordinary News
#2 An American Patriot | Aug 2nd Score:94
THIS IS long and I’LL read it in a minute, BUT I JUST wanted to let you know I made you SOMETHING:

I’LL miss you, GABE, AND I HOPE you fucking own fuckers WITH THE LOL’S and INTROSPECTION from here ON OUT.

HAVE a very SINCERE and fun AND BEAUTIFUL dinner everybody.

Posted in: This Is Just A Goodbye Post
#1 lolwut | Aug 2nd Score:98
Have fun at dinner, Gabe.


Posted in: This Is Just A Goodbye Post

[Ed. Note: Great job, everyone. Thank you and R.I.P., Gabe.]