Sleepy Hollow S01E09: Ichabod, You Are A Father

In the grand tradition of Friends S03E02 “The One Where No One’s Ready,” this week’s episode of Sleepy Hollow was what we in the spooky recap business call “a kinda bottle ep.” I say “a kinda” because there was a B-storyline where Rue from The Hunger Games is Captain Orlando Jones’s estranged paraplegic daughter. Other than that though, the majority of SHS01E09’s action concerned Abbie and Ichabod kicking, shooting, and axe-chopping demonic trees in a haunted house. This is about as close to the Aristotelian Unities as Sleepy Hollow will ever get, and I believe I speak for the entire cross-section of Sleepy Hollow/Aristotelian Unities fans when I say, “More, please. More episodes like the bottle episode of Friends, please.”

So, a pretty lady in an flaccid Urban beanie and her chauffeur pull up to the Haunted House in her Maybach. As if my capitalization didn’t make it clear that this Haunted House was Very Haunted, there are crows outside. Ergo, Very Haunted House. Undeterred, she enters the Haunted House and, as her gender requires, immediately checks to see if the closets can accommodate her shoe collection. Sadly, the closets cannot. The closets are infested with angry, haunted tree branches. Said angry, haunted tree branches cut Flaccid Urban Beanie’s hands and suck her prettily into the spatially unaccommodating closet.

Cut to, you guessed it: Ichabod lecturing Abbie about fast food culture, Pilgrim dietary practices, and how much he misses his gorgeous witch wife, Katrina. Not that things are all that horrible, since he still has Abbie, whose “company holds the greatest value to [him].” Aw! They get the call about the missing “philanthropist/author/socialite (cool job),” and use Abbie’s “wondrous internet” to deduce that missing “p/a/s” Lena Gilbert is Flaccid Urban Beanie who is also, you guessed it, a descendant of one of Ichabod’s bros, Lachlan Fredericks, from colonial times. Cue flashback.

Flashback to Ichabod’s cool Undertaker costume and Katrina’s cooler Janelle Monae hair. Ichabod explains that back in the day Lachlan Fredericks’s Haunted House was the chillest flophouse in the colonies. He also trashes George Clooney for being Irish. He and Abbie enter the Haunted House willy nilly and suddenly the radio doesn’t work and every door is self-slamming and there’s like three 2x4s over every window and THEY’RE TRAPPED INSIDE. The spookiness only mounts as Abbie sees a spooky colonial lady who is probably her ancestor and Ichabod finds a letter from Katrina inside a Gulliver’s Travels ex machina. They find Lena Gilbert ensnared in the haunted trees, cut her out, stare at the bleeding haunted branches, watch a New Tree Demon grow in the yard, and decide the house is “alive.” Der, our heroes. What show are you even on? I mean, look at how Haunted that Haunted House is.

Meanwhile, back at SHPD, Orlando Jones and Jenny are flirting. They’re learning a lot about each other. OJ learns that Jenny can cook, while Jenny learns that OJ’s daughter is Rue from The Hunger Games except paralyzed (You Can Make It Up: Rue from The Hunger Games Faked Her Death and Moved to Sleepy Hollow). So as Ichabod and Abbie are being chased through the Haunted House by New Tree Demon, Rue and Jenny make friends and OJ’s wife threatens to serve him with full custody papers for Rue. Saving the world every week from the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse just isn’t enough for some people.

We learn via flashback that Katrina gave birth to Ichabod’s son in the Haunted House. (Side bar: Ichabod has a son. News to you, news to Ichabod.) The birth of Ichabod Jr. enrages New Tree Demon, so he gores Lachlan Fredericks hardcore in the past and hugs Lena Fredericks hardcore in the present. Remembering the tree blood from before (you remember the tree blood!) Abbie shoots New Tree Demon’s roots, allowing her, Ichabod, and Lena to escape. Or at least you think they do…until…Ichabod gets an axe from the trunk of the Cherokee, marches back down to New Tree Demon’s lair, and straight up axe-murders New Tree Demon in the name of Ichabod Jr!

Sufficiently covered in New Tree Demon blood, Ichabod and Abbie return to HQ. Abbie gifts Ichabod some Kraken Spiced Rum to cheer him up about his dead son. Ichabod gifts Abbie a “treasure from the Amazon.” (An Amazon box.) The papers in the box inform them that Abbie is a descendant of the spooky colonial woman who delivered Ichabod’s son. To celebrate, they get drunk. All better!