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Monsters’ Ball: The Week’s Top Comments

As I mentioned earlier today, I will not be around tomorrow. I know it’s going to be difficult, but we are tough and strong and we can get through anything that god gives us because he doesn’t give us more than we can handle!! I didn’t want to leave you without a Monsters’ Ball for the week, though, so here we go! Have a good Friday and a good weekend and I’ll see you back here on Monday, goodbyeee!

After the jump, the five Highest Rated comments, as voted on by you, the Lowest Rated comment, the winner of the Blockbuster’s Last Rental Caption Contest, and the Editor’s Choice.

This Week’s Highest Rated Comments

#5 facetaco | Nov 12th Score:22
Did anybody ever go to a Blockbuster that was closing? They sold EVERYTHING. They were selling surplus toilet paper!

It’s stupid to announce they’re going out of business, though. Who’s gonna return a movie when they hear that? The video store where my brother worked, when they closed down they said that they were doing inventory. They actually DID do inventory, so they could auction off their stock. The owner paid me less than minimum wage to help. I tried to get revenge by stealing his one adult movie, “Alice In Wonderland.” Unfortunately, somebody had switched the tapes, and I ended up with the Disney movie.

Posted in: The Videogum “Why Don’t YOU Caption It?!” Contest: Blockbuster’s Last Rental
#4 badideajeans | Nov 11th Score:23
They should call it “Murder She Blogged” so that young people will finally be interested.
Posted in: Angela Lansbury Breaks Her Legendary Silence About The Murder She Wrote Reboot
#3 ladyrainicorn | Nov 13th Score:24
Today’s my birthday! Smell ya later, my 20s. Because it’s Wednesday (bleh), I’m not really doing anything to celebrate, but I did get very good Chinese food for dinner and am now eating even better pie, so I’m pretty happy.
Posted in: How Was Everyone’s Day Today?
#2 old man fatima | Nov 13th Score:26
And I know you’re all dying to know about the date I went on on Saturday with the guy whom I made sure was not a Nazi. I know that I say this every time I interact in any way with a man, but you guys I am going to marry him and have his babies. But, like, for real this time. He came over so we could take our dogs for a walk on Saturday and just left Monday night. We baked bread together and went on tons of walks and had Deep Conversations and watched Doctor Who and my cat kicked the living shit out of his dog all weekend, but my dog, who is terrified of everyone and everything, was totally NOT scared of him or his dog! And, uhhh, so this is batshit insane, but we looked at houses online for fun and found a 225 year old brick farmhouse on 30 acres 5 mins from my house for 110k and we drove out to check it out and I contacted the real estate agent and we are going to see it next weekend??? And we’ve already said I love you and talked about getting married and having babies??? You guys, I almost gave myself an ulcer I was so stressed out about moving in with my ex after 2 years together because I thought it was way too soon, what is happening to me? He is tall and bearded and burly and sweet and funny and shy and very, very wholesome. He sings in a barbershop quartet and holds the record for Farmer’s Walk at the Highland Games, where he carried 400 lbs over 300 feet. He is so, so, so fucking manly. And he studied horticulture and counselling, and wants to run a solar-powered organic farm with a year-round greenhouse and chickens and goats (goats!!) and be totally self-sufficient. And he thinks that I am perfect (duh, I am). Fucking marry me, already.
Posted in: How Was Everyone’s Day Today?
#1 lawblog | Nov 13th Score:31
My day has been great, because I got married this weekend! Everyone’s always like “it was the best day of my life” but it really was. The whole weekend was amazing. We had bride vs. groom softball and team groom won even though all my family are artists and scientists and bad at sports. Also I hit a home run. Then the rehearsal dinner was great and i made it through all of my speeches and the food was so good. Then the ceremony went perfectly and there were even unexpected jokes that killed and everyone cried including me because I cry at everything including the speech from Independence Day. Then the reception was great even though the shuttle was an hour late and we missed most of the cocktail hour because we were dealing with it. The ladyblog made all the different centerpieces and they were all different and amazing. We cut a leg of jamón instead of a cake and unbeknownst to me all my groomsmen brought rubber horse heads and wore them during the wedding party introductions and it was amazing because their entrance music was the nyan cat theme and it became this whole dadaist weird thing that confused all the older relatives. Also it was great looking at the pictures because there’ll be all these people dancing and in the background there’s a solitary horse slow dancing with a bridesmaid. Then this happened at the end of the night:

 

So, overall it was pretty great. Also I’m super happy with my choice of wife.

Oh yeah also the Red Sox won the World Series.

Everything’s coming up Lawblog!

Posted in: How Was Everyone’s Day Today?

[Ed. Note: Wow! Congratulations, lawblog! I hope your marriage is as goof-up free as your wedding. What a love-filled Monsters’ Ball we have this week! Everyone go give somebody a kiss!!]

This Week’s Lowest Rated Comment

#1 agent m | Nov 12th Score:-7
I understand picking a click-bait film, #1 at the box office and all. (S.E.O. MYY HOMIEZZ!!!!) But could you maybe send somebody that knows a SINGLE THING about the character? (WHO IS THOR AMIRITE!?!?!??!?) Or was it the objective to write a bunch of nonsense in all caps? J/K LOL YOU GUUUUYYS! OHHH SNAAAPPP!!!1!1!
Posted in: The Videogum Movie Club: Thor: The Dark World

[Ed. Note: My motto is: “if it get the clicks, it get the picks!”]

This Week’s Caption Contest Winner

R2D2, Esq. | Nov 12th Score:32
True. And it’s sad, because they look like they’re probably too big to get a job at Redbox.
Posted in: The Videogum “Why Don’t YOU Caption It?!” Contest: Blockbuster’s Last Rental

[Ed. Note: Congratulations, R2D2, Esq.! You earned it!]

This Week’s Editor’s Choice

hotspur | Nov 13th Score:17
Is it a sign that I am defective that I can’t imagine anyone crying when I propose? I think my future wife will just say, “Sure. Let’s lock this down.” And that will be that. Oh well, maybe it is related to how I am not a goddamn showboat who will go to her office to ask.

RELATED: I was eating a tuna melt in a diner on Monday night when I witnessed an actual real live public proposal. It is a diner in Hollywood patronized mainly by struggling/failing actors. So I guess it would love a spectacle: dude-man had clearly coordinated with the bartender, so as his spiel began, bartender cut the music. Therefore we all were treated to his every word.

He leaped up on the counter and shouted at the top of his lungs — I wish I could remember the whole thing. Basically: “GIRL, YOU ARE THE ONE FOR ME, I HAVE DECIDED, I LOVE YOU LIKE CRAZY AND NO ONE ELSE WILL DO. I HAVE DONE THE HOLLYWOOD SCENE AND I AM DONE CATTING AROUND THIS TOWN! YOU HAVE WON ME FOREVER, YOU ARE MY DIAMOND AND I ONLY WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. LOVE *YOU!* YOU!!! WHAT DO YOU SAY? WILL. YOU. MARRY. ME?”

Thoughout, she kept both hands clamped over her mouth and was staring down at the counter where she sat. As it went on she began to tremble. I had a nice profile view and it looked like a “Holy Jesus, kill me with lightning” tremble, but the guy kept going on so I figured he knew her better and recognized her “I can’t contain my excitement” tremble. Until the last couple of words, where she started to shake her head in tight little motions to get him to shut up. But no stopping then! He was on fire! He got to the end. The room fell dead silent. And she lifted her hands away just enough to say the tiniest “no” possible.

Dead silence. The whole diner. It wasn’t crowded — but everyone in there was like AAAAAAHHHH WHERE DO I LOOK NOW? CAN I TALK TO THE PEOPLE I CAME WITH? WHAT IS RIGHT? Then the guy sank to a crouch and said to her in a normal voice, “Okay. That’s my fault.”

Gradually the music came back on. The bartender increased it from zero slowly as if it was necessary to sneak us back onto a normal diner footing, not rush all at once. My friend and I both ordered milkshakes. I kept looking over and No One’s Fiancee was hugging his Suicidal Lady as tightly as if they had just emerged from a tornado shelter to find their town wiped out. She kept staring down. He kept whispering in her ear. Now he whispers? I looked over again 5 minutes later and they were gone.

“This milkshake is a huge disappointment,” my friend said. “It should be so thick it hurts.”

I said, “That’s what she said.”

And that’s how a loud proposal in a diner goes.

Posted in: Public Marriage Proposal: CNBC Edition

[Ed. Note: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!]