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UNDENIABLE Evidence: El Chupacabra Lives In Picayune, Mississippi!

AHHHH! Grab your goats! Grab your Halloween candy for trick-or-treaters, or your Halloween candy bag if you’re a child and are looking forward to going trick-or-treating tomorrow! Grab your costume! Try to take a second and think about whether or not you have all of the parts — did you need some sort of specific belt? Batteries? Did you need makeup? Did you need something to keep your hair a certain way? Grab your friends, grab your enemies, and GTFO BECAUSE EL CHUPACABRA LIVES IN PICAYUNE, MISSISSIPPI!

The first sighting of the chupacabra — meaning “goat sucker” — — meaning goat’s BLOOD sucker, come on — was in Puerto Rico in 1995 (one year after the death of Kurt Cobain — coincidence?). There have been many sightings since then, but it seems that the monster is currently making home in Picayune. From the Daily Mail:

Residents of a quiet Mississippi town fear that a legendary creature called El Chupacabra has come to life to terrorize them just in time for Halloween.

Jennifer Whitfield spotted the hairless beast near her yard in the suburban town of Picayune last week. Black, canine-like and lumbering, she said the unwanted visitor was like nothing she’d ever seen.

‘If a zombie had a dog,’ Whitefield said, ‘it would look like that.’

If a zombie had a dog, it would look like a dog, Ms. Whitefield. If a zombie had a ZOMBIE dog, well, then that would be a different story. Please choose your words more carefully, Ms. Whitefield. This is important. ROLL THE VIDEO:


Oh, right. Hah. Puh-leeze. You think you’re going to be able to pull the chupacabra wool over our eyes that easily? Oh yeah, AS IF WE’RE GOING TO BELIEVE THAT THE THING THAT LOOKS LIKE A SAD, SICK OLD COYOTE OR DOG IS JUST A SAD, SICK OLD PROBABLY COYOTE! As if we don’t know the PIGS are in on it. Give me a break, PIGS. We looked it up on-line! Your first mistake was letting the chupacabra out of the lab where you keep all of the paranormal monsters. You second mistake underestimating us. Now we’ll all have to pay the price.

R.I.P. humanity. (Thanks for the tip, badideajeans!)