BREAKING Brad Pitt News: Brad Pitt Smells Like A Sheepdog

When I think about what Brad Pitt smells like, I imagine that he smells like a kind of sweaty human tree. Not a tree that is a human, but if a pine tree (or something) could sweat like a human did, that is what I think Brad Pitt would smell like. Or, I guess I should say, that is what I used to think that Brad Pitt smelled like, UNTIL CATCHING STINKY WIND OF THIS BREAKING NEWS STORY! From The Enquirer:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are now miles apart, working on separate projects. That’s a good thing because Brad has sworn off soap! And before they parted ways, Angelina complained that he stinks. Brad, who’s currently in England filming Fury, recently started using a homemade concoction of lemons, water and apple cider vinegar instead of soap, a source says.

“Brad says he’s read up on the toxins of soap – especially the antibacterial ones – and feels that using them and antiperspirants is not only bad for the planet, but it also speeds up the aging process in humans,” said an insider. “But Angelina was revolted, and their kids even started calling him ‘Stinky Daddy’. Angie agreed to humor him only as long as they weren’t on the same continent.”

Angelina told him he “smelled like a sheepdog,” and when they met up in Hong Kong, she managed to coax him into a bubble bath and warned him if he didn’t start scrubbing up soon, “he’ll be spending his honeymoon on the couch.”

Hahaha, “stinky daddy.” Uh, it’s called STINKY RESPECT AND YOUR STINKY DADDY DESERVES IT. Can you imagine being the tabloid writer who got to write this story?! Just kidding, I know that this was probably just reprinted from the Associated Press. But so anyway, lemons, water, and apple cider vinegar as something to spread on your body and then wash off sounds awful — ACV is legitimately one of my least favorite common smells — so why doesn’t he just use the kind of soap that he made in Fight Club? That seemed pretty natural, LOL. Did you know that Brad Pitt took soapmaking classes in order to prepare for that role? He did, I just read it! You think he’d use those to make real soap! Also he had his TEETH CHIPPED, AND THEN PUT BACK TOGETHER AFTER FILMING, SO TYLER DURDEN WOULD NOT HAVE PERFECT TEETH. What?! Wow! Brad Pitt, you guys! What a weirdo! #stinkydaddy #factsonly (Via Celebitchy.)