A Few Potentially Helpful Ideas For Darren Aronofsky’s Noah

Uh-oh, it looks like there’s trouble in post-flood paradise! Even though God promised that there wouldn’t be! Darren Aronofsky’s $125 million+ upcoming Bible epic Noah has hit some rough waters, ahaha, after being screened to “key” groups in New York (which was a largely Jewish audience), Arizona (largely Christian), and California (largely general). Now, according to The Hollywood Reporter, Aronofsky and Paramount are at odds over the final cut:

Multiple sources say that with test screenings of various versions producing worrisome results, Aronofsky and Paramount have been at odds [Ed. Note: Told you.] over the version of Noah that is set for release March 28. It’s not clear whether Aronofsky — whose most recent film, 2010’s Black Swan, grossed $329 million worldwide and won an Oscar for star Natalie Portman — has held on to his right to final cut. Aronofsky and his reps did not respond to requests for comment, but Paramount vice chairman Rob Moore says the film, which stars Russell Crowe as the seafarer, is going through a “normal preview process” and the result will be “one version of the movie that Darren is overseeing.”

And the result will be “one version of the movie that probably — fingers crossed — neither the general public nor the people who like Darren Aronofsky movies will be happy with.” Hahah. BUT I GET IT. You’ve got to make money, and you’ve already spent so much money, and maybe this whole plan wasn’t too good in the first place?, but now you’re sunk and you’ve got to figure it out. That’s okay. Now, I’m not a screenwriter or a director — I’m not even a Hollywood executive — but I’ve come up with some potentially VERY helpful tweaks that could make this into the big hit that it needs to be. 

  • Put Jesse Eisenberg In It?: I like Jesse Eisenberg. I especially like the humor writing he does for McSweeney’s and the New Yorker.  I would like to see him in this movie! Maybe he plays Noah?
  • Dinner During Movie Screening: I love movie theaters where you can order dinner and drinks during the movie, and I always like the movie more when I have had dinner and drinks during it. The one setback is that you know when the movie is going to end because that’s when they come around to give you your check, but we’re not trying to solve everyone’s problems today.
  • Make It Sort Of Like Buffalo ’66: I don’t know if you want to put Vincent Gallo in it, or have him re-write it, or kind of re-film it whatever way Buffalo ’66 was filmed, or whatever, but I like Buffalo ’66 and I think that would be good.
  • The 400 Blows Music: You know how in Frances Ha they used some of the music from The 400 Blows? That was great!
  • Surprises: I mean like, when you buy a ticket to the movie the ticket attendant gives you a surprise. Not a promotional surprise — not like a Noah t-shirt, but something.
  • Three-Day Weekend: What’s better than a three-day weekend?
  • Jack Handey Is Involved Somehow: Jack Handey is so funny, if you could get him to write jokes for Noah I think that would make it a lot more likable for audiences. He can read them himself. Maybe you can take three Jack Handey breaks throughout the movie, bring the screen to black, and have him read a Deep Thought?
  • Good Smells: Pump good smells into the theater.

Again, I’m no expert, but I thought I might as well throw in my two cents! If it helps, use it, if it doesn’t, forget it. Whatever works.