But Is Scarlett Johansson Your Sexiest Woman Alive?

Scarlett Johansson has been named 2013’s Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire, and she is the only woman who has won the title twice. Congratulations, Scarlett Johansson! Screw you, other women! God, it’s almost crazy how disgusting all of the other women are. Get a Scarlett Johansson mask or a bag or something, for the love of goodness. Speaking of “it’s almost crazy how disgusting,” in the profile accompanying her title, the journalist begins by describing Ms. Johansson entering their interview setting and says, “And I didn’t look at her ass. I don’t know that she wanted me to. Probably not. Surely not. In any case, I didn’t.” Hahah. No, dude, she def wanted you– I mean, wanted you to. Anyway, this is what Scarlett says about winning:

You know, I gotta hustle. I’m a twenty-eight-year-old woman in the movie business, right? Pretty soon the roles you’re offered all become mothers. Then they just sort of stop. I have to hedge against that with work–theater, producing, this thing with Esquire. Sounds pretty bloodless, I guess.

Wait, she’s twenty-eight years old? THROW HER IN THE DISGUSTING PILE, I AM OVER IT! HOW DID ESQUIRE ALLOW THIS?! Yuck. Yuck ew yuck ew yuck ew yuck ew just kidding, she is insanely beautiful and young, and her quote about being too old for Hollywood makes me want to jump into a dumpster. But is she the most beautiful sexiest? Whom would you choose if you were Mr. Esquire? Beyonce? Jennifer Lawrence? Mila Kunis? Rihanna? Miranda Kerr? Cara Delevingne? Michelle Obama? Betty White, because of an Internet campaign? Walter White? No one, it’s a tie, all women are the sexiest in their own ways? I would probably just choose Scarlett Johansson. She is very pretty!