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Sleepy Hollow S01E02: Season Of The (Skinless Zombie) Witch

[Ed. Note: You might remember Carmen Petaccio from his wonderful Newsroom recaps. You should, they just ended last week. He’s back to recap Sleepy Hollow, something he enjoys much more, and we’re continuing to catch up with the first two episodes. Got it? Let’s go!]

Garbed still in his striking Breeches, pursued by Apocalypse’s Horsemen Four — Conquest and Death, Famine and War — our Hero flies forward with his dashing, and into a Thornbush He goes crashing, and the Thornbush gives Him a Lashing, before dragging him neath the Forest Floor. Here his sumptuous Wife informs him, earnestly implores him, to stay the Hell away, from the skinless zombie-witch Whore. But Ichabod remains most curious, his Handsomeness impervious, as he looks up to find above him the skinless Zombie-Witch furious, there beneath the Forest Floor. Quoth the recap: YESPLEASEMORE.

So, Ichabod is on house arrest at the Holiday Inn Express. He’s all pissed off because his guard won’t let him leave and, one can imagine, when they break for fast the crimpets are an affront to the teeth, or something. While he shirtlessly and breeches-lessly fumes, Abbie gets verbally undressed by Police Chief Captain Orlando Jones. His gist: Abbie is bonkers. He shows her the tape of John Cho decapitating himself by running into a mirror to prove it, and this totally possible event totally seals his proving. Abbie becomes so upset that she heads over to the Holiday Inn Express, where Ichabod is wrestling shower water, reading the adorable post-its Abbie left for him, marveling at a lamp, and being very ready to solve mysteries/have adventures. To that!

Meanwhile, in the morgue of Sleepy Hollow General, Zombie John Cho has finished his nap. He groggily punches out of his leather sleeping bag (“I INVENTED the leather sleeping bag!” -Zombie John Cho-nye West) and discovers that his neck is still all fucked up, causing his head to slide down his back like a disgusting scoop of ice cream down a cone. Logically, he runs full-speed into the wall, like fake before, from the video. This fixes his head, but also unveils who else, but…Molester Tree Demon, from Abbie’s childhood trauma/John Cho’s head removal! Molester Tree Demon talks some Voldemort at John Cho until John Cho throws up a Hot Topic necklace. Bet you never thought you’d read that sentence!

Ichabod and Abbie are in the horizontal motion machine car, engaging in consistently splendid dialogue. “$4.95?!” Ichabod exclaims, staring at his Dunkin’ receipt in amazement. “How is the public not flocking to the streets in outrage?!” Because they’re all locked in their apartments, giggling at your incredulity, Ichabod! As everyone always says, the more witty time traveler economic outrage a show has, the better. But Abbie & Icks aren’t limited to discussions of post-colonial mid-Atlantic mercantile trade tariffs — no, they can talk relationships too. And do they ever get into the nitty gritty on Ichabod’s gorgeous ginger witch wife’s keeping her witchiness a secret from Ichabod. You need someone honest, Ichabod! But, actually, probably not if your wife is that gorgeous! Find your bliss!

They attend Sheriff’s funeral. Abbie mourns. Ichabod stares handsomely into the wind, talks to his dead wife’s grave. (Which reads, btw, “BURNT FOR WITCHCRAFT.”) (LOL, don’t get any ideas for your headstones!) This prompts a flashback to one of his wife’s Ugly Sweater Illuminati parties, where she and her biffle witches decided to snitch on the witch who became Skinless Zombie Witch from the title of this blog post. (And whose name, btw, is “CYRILDA OF ABADDON.”) (LOL, don’t you sprint to the courthouse to change your name!) So Ichabod’s wife is to blame, and that’s a big problem since Zombie JC is over on the other side of town resurrecting Ol’ Cyrilda by placing his Hot Topic necklace on a magnetized stone thing.

With Cyrilda resurrected (sans skin and not-scariness), she and John Cho run a short-con on a humble SUV driver. And it’s all good fun — until, that is, Cyrilda magically changes the station on humble SUV driver’s XM, engulfs humble SUV driver’s SUV in flames, and rips out humble SUV driver’s organs! Cyrilda! Didn’t you just wake up from a 250-year-long nap? Don’t you have lamps to marvel at? Tax rates to comment on hilariously? Well, if you don’t, I certainly know someone who does all those things and loves doing them while he does them, while I love him doing them while he does them. (It’s Ichabod.)

Back to the Uproariously Yay Duo. “We have to track down Skinless Zombie Witch,” says Ichabod. “What do you want me to do,” quips Abbie, “put out an APB for warts and a broom?” (“HAHAHA and yes and KABROOM.” -Me) And this scene could continue forever and I’d be content, but again Sleepy Hollow demonstrates that isn’t — for lack of a better word — afraid to bare the emotional muscles hidden under its finery. Ichabod accuses Abbie of not properly mourning The Sheriff. Abbie relates how The Sheriff arrested her, brought her to the Dunkin’, told her she had until his “pie turned to soup” (S01E01 callback [memes plz, lawblog]) to choose between a life of solving crimes or a life of blue meth. She chose solving crimes, and it’s been abs great, except she misses her crazy sister in the insane asylum since they were molested by a Tree Demon together, and awww, Abbs!

They roll up on the burnt out SUV scene and inspect the burnt out SUV and are like, “Def Skinless Zombie Witch.” They head back to station to cross-reference the SUV files with Sheriff’s demonology demos, but The Sheriff’s shit has been moved to storage. And then out of nowhere there’s this bro, Luke, bullying our beloved Ichabod! “I have a frighteningly geometrical jawline and I am a bully,” says Luke. “Leave him alone!” says us. “Come on, Ichabod, we’re on the clock,” says Abbie. (Side bar: Ichabod getting paid?!) Abbie explains that Luke is her jerk ex-boyfriend and The Sheriff’s demos are in the archive, which can’t be reached without clearance, but Ichabod remembers secret passages under the station that definitely still exist, and, sure enough, they still exist. Ichabod breaks into them through the wall with Raziel’s thingie from Legacy of Cain: Soul Reaver, and they’re IN.

Down there they find a mass witch grave and antique dynamite and other normal stuff. Ichabod asks, “Does dynamite have an expiration date?” expertly foreshadowing the dynamite just in time for Skinless Zombie Witch to try to steal a young boy named Kyle. KyKy is the descendent of someone who snitched on Skinless Zombie Witch, and there’s a whole ordeal of SZW horrifyingly nabbing KyKy but actually nabbing an urn with the true descendent’s ashes in it. This will allow SZW to return to the world of the living and enact her revenge. Let’s hope dynamite doesn’t have an expiration date! Though we all very much know if dynamite has an expiration date, don’t we, ARZT?

Skinless Zombie Witch sneaks back to her lair, pours the ashes all over her head and perf bod, and resurrects into Skin-Having Alive Witch. In roll Icks & Abbs. Ichabod heroically fires his glock at Skin-Having Alive Witch. She catches the bullet and crushes it. Assessing the situation correctly, Ichabod drops his gun and runs. Abbie follows, angrily asking, “Why’d you leave your gun? You only fired one bullet?” Ichabod says, “There’s more then one?” And we have to wonder if musket humor ever gets old. (It doesn’t.) But Skin-Having Alive Witch hates musket humor. She hates it with all of her stolen humble SUV driver’s heart. She barks Voldemort at our pals and climbs up on the boxes of dynamite like (hissy snake voice) “Prepare to die our pals!” Except Ichabod throws his torch on the pile of dynamite. Except the pile of dynamite doesn’t blow up. Except since dynamite doesn’t have an expiration date, like Arzt taught us, it does blow up and Skin-Having Alive Witch becomes Skinless Dead Witch. Cut to black: LOST SLEEPY HOLLOW.

With the too little time that remains, Abbie chats with the ghost of the Sheriff, who tells her not to fear “#49.” What’s that, Ghost of Sheriff? Abbie’s favorite sandwich at Wawa? Half of her ATM pin? What?! We immediately learn that 49 is the room number of Abbie’s loopy sister’s cell at Arkham. Our first glimpse of Abbie’s sister shows her to be subversive and sporty. Subversive since she doesn’t take her meds. Sporty since she has a pull-up bar in her room. She’s kind of like the Sporty Spice of Sleepy Hollow, with Ichabod being Handsome Spice, Abbie being Enchanting Spice, and everything else in the show being Scary Spice. And boy is who sneaks up on Abbie’s sister Scary Spice. Who sneaks up on Abbie’s sister, you ask? Who do you think? Molester Tree Demon, that’s who! It’s exactly who you thought! But also: Nooooooo!!!!!! And by noooooooo!!!!! I mean yyyyyyeeeesssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CUT TO BLACK.