[Cue Coffee, Clocks, and Paperwork] Unfazed by its one-week hiatus, The Newsroom is back killin’ it as it kills it best, by having its tiresome characters recount its tiresome plot lines via Skype. So Jim is Skype-ing with Not-Maggie, breaking down all of the previous episode’s events for everyone who was smart enough to psychologically repress the idea that this show exists and will probably continue existing forever. “McAvoy and Charlie Bowtie and Mackenzie all tried to resign last episode because of Genoa, but CEO Jane Fonda said nope so every scene in this whole season has been for nothing,” Jim says. “Cool,” says Not-Maggie. “Now, why are you sitting on a fucking staircase?”
McAvoy, Bowtie, and Marcia Gay Harden are in McAvoy’s office discussing what happened last episode, in case you forgot what happened last episode since Jim reminded you what happened last episode while he was Skype-ing on a fucking staircase. Charlie Bowtie ponders how to convince CEO Jane Fonda to fire them. Will McAvoy puts himself “in charge of morale,” which is hilarious, because he’s such a grump! And Marcia Gay Harden flaunts her purple dress by Marie Schrader and describes herself as “liquid sex.” It’s all as upsetting as it sounds. Obviously distraught, McAvoy and Bowtie “hug it out” HBO-style, for all of us grieving at home.
Time Elapsed: ~7 minutes. Hate Index: 21 out of Hate.
In the lead-up to election coverage, the Ladies of The Newsroom (calendar forthcoming) are gossiping — where else! — in Makeup. They sit in front of the double Elliotts (actual Elliott in douche pose and advert Elliott in douche pose) gabbing about — what else! — Jim, the dude with the John Mayer hair currently Skype-ing with his girlfriend on a staircase (calendar forthcoming). Everyone decides that they hate Jim, and Dev Patel appears to inform Olivia Munn that their F storyline this week involves Gary Cooper signing an economics book that she likes with her signature in German for a charity auction, which inspires Olivia Munn to send Dev Patel on a retrieval quest for the book that is signed not by her in German, and this whole event roughly translates to this:
Don and Maggie have a side quest where they uncover the story about General Patraeus having an affair by way of rape apologists and tennis or maybe golf, I can’t remember. That’s all you need to know.
Time Elapsed: ~15 minutes. Hate Index: 198 out of Hate.
Charlie Bowtie narrates a montage backed by orchestral swells that explains how “American elections are the envy of the world.” No proof necessary. This montage segues into another montage of every character on the show talking over one another, because American elections are as HECTIC as they are the envy of the world. This segues into Mackenzie and Will McAvoy having one of their bi-seasonal fights about how they’re still in love with each other but can’t express that love, during which Mackenzie likens Will McAvoy to a “bomb about to explode.” “No,” says Will McAvoy, calm as a bomb, “I’m not about to explode, I’m in charge of morale.” BOOM.
Oh and I almost forgot, throughout all of this Mackenzie looks like someone slipped a bit of ricin in her cigarette. RIP Mackenzie/Only the good die improperly lighted/?Let angels lead you in?.
As if Dev Patel didn’t have enough important business on his Twitter plate, Mackenzie wants him to update her Wikipedia page to reflect that she went to Cambridge, NOT OXFORD. Just when you thought The Newsroom couldn’t get any more relatable: updating your Wikipedia page to reflect that you went to Cambridge, NOT OXFORD. “Is this The Newsroom or my Saturday night?!” -Me/You/Everyone This is all well and great, except that, as you know, due to Wikipedia’s Update Policy Code 918 Subset 634 a firsthand source who went to Cambridge cannot alter the education portion of his/her OxfoWiki after noon on election night while looking like the Crypt Keeper. So Mackenzie is SCREWED. MOVING ON.
Time Elapsed: ~30 minutes. Hate Index: Oxford out of Hate.
Proving once and for all that men are as fallible as women, Jim effs up calling one of the predictions of an election you never heard of in Michigan (MI) or Mississippi (MISS). Now they have to trot out the numbers whiz (you can tell she’s a numbers whiz by her Asian face, HBO-style #Lloyd #Swegen) in a blindfold to figure out how to remedy the sitch. As you expect with HBO’s infamous backhanded Asian racism, hilarity ensues. This somehow sets off a chain of events that forces Will McAvoy to declare, “I am a good guy,” as he fires Mackenzie from the show, just like a good guy. Then the episode ends, after 45 minutes (!), and the world has never known a greater mercy, and together we march, blindfolded as an Asian numbers wiz, toward the finale.
Time Elapsed: Eternity. Hate Index: Hate out of Hate.
We are all Will McAvoy. Good night.