Videogum

Breaking Bad S05E13: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

It is getting more and more difficult to write jokey recaps of Breaking Bad, guys! LOL. In a perfect world, this recap would just be “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” over and over until we reached the 5 million word minimum and then we’d be done with it, but unfortunately we do not live in a perfect world, so. Speaking of imperfect worlds: The blue meth isn’t blue anymore! Wah-wah! #fart Todd tells Lydia that it’s because he overheated it and must have “cooked the blue right out of it,” and across the country a billion dorks tried to think of a good Tobias Fünke joke to shout at their friends. Lydia goes on and on about her stupid buyers and Todd quiets her with a sweet kiss proposal that maybe his uncles just murder them? Hahah. Oh, Todd. You may be cute, and you may be able to cook the meth kind of, but you sure are an awful dumb-dumb. Lydia uses her womanly charms to ask him to how about just cook the meth better, and he tells her he will. Problem solved. Amen.

(PS: He looked at her lipstick on a mug.)

He then receives THE call from Walt, where we left off in the last episode. “Perfect,” he says, “I was just talking about having my uncles kill people! Haha. Isn’t it weird when stuff like that happens? It’s like, would you even still be calling me if I hadn’t just mentioned it? Did I will this into existence? Hah. I know probably not. I just like to think about stuff like that, I dunno.” ROLL OPENING CREDITS.

Hank and Gomez argue about how to handle the Jesse situation, now that he’s ruined their “get Walt to confess to his crimes on tape and also maybe you die” plan. Hank tells Gomez that Jesse has another plan. “I know some evidence that that greedy asshole would never destroy” — Jesse explains that Walt has his money hidden someplace, and he knows who might know where it is. Gomez secrets away this person and confirms with Hank back at Hank’s purple house, and blah blah blah, but the only part of the scene I can focus on is when Hank dumps brains on the floor:

WHAT?! Hank futzes around with it and says, to Jesse, “you’re up,” and it’s almost crazy how dumb I am, but for A WHILE I thought that Hank was going to make Jesse eat the brains?! Or something?! Hahaha. I could not figure out what the hell he was talking about, “you’re up.” 2 gross 2 think. Ew. He didn’t make him eat the brains, though. THANK GOD. Ugh. Kill everybody, for sure, but PUH-LEEZE do not make anyone eat gross floor brains. It’s revealed that Gomez had stolen and hidden Huell, whom Jesse believes knows where Walt’s money is hidden. They tell him that they’ve stolen him for his own protection — Saul sold him out, Walt has already killed Jesse (whom is shown lying on the floor next to the brains) (OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH), Bill Burr is missing (though they did not call him “Bill Burr,” so it was a little difficult to figure out who they were talking about, but thank goodness they spent 15 minutes describing his character so I eventually got it) (“they kicked him outta Boston, he’s got red hair, he’s the guy who’s always with Huell, he looks like comedian Bill Burr”), etc. Huell tells them that he doesn’t know where the money is hidden, but does tell them how many barrels of money there was (“barrels?!” “barrels”), what the barrels looked like, and where he bought them. (Home Depot.)

He also tells him where they rented the van, that Walt had a shovel, and that they had to wash it because it was dirty, as if Walt had driven it off-road, BUT THAT’S ALL HE KNOWS. Hahah. It was a little bit like watching Law & Order for a sec. “All I know is that Walt said something about hiding the barrels in the desert and that the coordinates are on, I don’t know, a lottery ticket, and that it also happened to be — I don’t know if this helps — the same place where he and Jesse had their first cook? Listen man, that’s all I know, can I get back to work?” Anyway, but, so he tells him the stuff about the car, and Hank and Gomez leave. They tell Huell that he’s free to go and he’s free to use his phone and he’s free to talk to whoever he wants, but just so he knows, if he does any of those things he’s going to be murdered. Hahah. Feel free, though! Just, you know, if you want to be lie murdered! Up 2 you!

In the next scene, Walt talks to Todd and his uncles about killing Jesse. “Rat patrol?” an uncle asks. Walt does not know what he means for a few secs because Walt is VERY slow on picking up euphemisms this season. He explains that Jesse is like family, and he isn’t a rat (oh, but he is!), so can they please murder him nicely? They agree that they will murder him as sweetly as they can, but ONLY IF Walt comes back and cooks for them. EEP! Every time we think he’s out, they pull him back in because he wants them to murder Jesse because he’s too big of a coward piece of shit to do it himself! He agrees to do one cook, only after the job is done. “We could do him tonight, if you want?” says the uncle. Walt would super love if they could kill him tonight, but he doesn’t know where Jesse is. He does know, though, how to flush him out. Ugh. UGH LET’S JUST GET TO IT.

Walt shows up at Andrea’s house and tells her that he needs to talk to her about Jesse. She invites him in, which would really work out for the show if it were the thing about the devil rather than vampires, and introduces him to Brock. “You met Brock before, right?” “Yes, yes I have! When I poisoned him!” Brock gives him some serious “you poisoned me” ‘tude.

Walt tells Andrea that Jesse is using again, he can’t get a hold of him, and he has a bad feeling about it, and can you call him please? Andrea calls and for a second it sounds like she’s actually talking to him, which is a dirty trick to play on poor old evil Mr. White, but it turns out that she is just leaving a message. #PRANKED So, Walt leaves and tells the uncles that Jesse should turn up soon, thinking that he is so smart, omg, cannot b-leave how smart he is CUT TO: Hank getting Andrea’s message. “Nice try, asshole,” he says and also the rest of us say!

Post-message getting, Hank comes back to his purple house to tell his boys the bad news: The car rental place doesn’t have GPS on their cars. NOOOOOOO! But Walt doesn’t know that they don’t know where he buried his money barrels, and Hank has a back up plan! YAAAAAAAAAAY! (Also: Gomez is very easy to give up at every turn. What’s up, Gomez? If you don’t want to solve the crime, you can go home!)

Back at the car wash, Walt Jr. is just KILLING it behind the register until local celebrity Saul Goodman comes in and throws everyone a bit off of their game.

SAUL! Hahah. Walt Jr. goes bananas about him, and, you know, it’s nice to see Walt Jr. smile. I hope he doesn’t get murdered because if his father’s countless errors in judgement LOL! Saul has come to let Walt know that Huell is gone — they can’t find him and he isn’t answering his phone. Jesse’s still missing, too. “Maybe he hasn’t gotten the message yet?” is Walt’s guess as to why, which is very funny. “I’m still very confident about the message, once he knows that Andrea wants to make sure he is okay he will come out in the open and then we can shoot him, easy peasy.” Saul, correctly, points out that Jesse is not as dumb as Walt thinks he is, and the message probably just made things worse. Saul, incorrectly, thinks that Jesse murdered Huell. AND THEN WALT GETS THIS TEXT MESSAGE!

AND THEN JESSE CALLS HIM AND TELLS HIM THAT HE FOUND THE BARRELS BECAUSE HIS VAN HAD GPS! SO MUCH LYING IS GOING ON! Walt races to the desert while Jesse taunts him on the phone, telling him that if he hangs up to call anyone or puts him on hold or hangs up for any reason he’s going to burn all of it. “AHHH, WHY DO I HAVE AT&T?!??” screams Walt, as he weaves in and out of traffic. Hahah. Seriously, though, Walt has maj teethface the entire time:

Gosh, it is tense. You should just watch the episode again? Go watch it again! Walt reminds Jesse of all the times he murdered people to save Jesse’s life, as much as his own, as he speeds through the desert. Jesse tells him he’s a manipulative liar. And then: JESSE STOPS RESPONDING! Uggghh. Did the call drop?! It is always so frustrating when you don’t know if a call dropped or if the person is just not responding because they are burning all of your money! Walt pulls up to the spot and shouts into the phone that he’s here, gets out of the car, realizes Jesse is not there, and then, D’OH! THAT WAS JESSE’S PLAN ALL ALONG! Walt takes the battery out of his phone and throws it to the ground, but it’s too late. He sees the gang in the distance, calls Todd’s uncles, gives them the coordinates, and tells them to hurry. UNTIL! UNTIL HE SEES THAT JESSE IS WITH HANK!

AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!

Defeated, he tells Todd’s uncles not to come. Hank shouts for him in the distance, telling him that it’s over, while he sits against a rock and tears up. This by itself would have been a very good episode! He comes out, drops his weapon, and Hank cuffs him. It is so good, jesus christ.

As Hank reads Walt his Miranda rights, Walt doesn’t break eye contact with Jesse. When it’s his turn to speak he shouts “coward,” Jesse walks towards him slowly, and spits in his face. IT IS GOOD. WATCH IT AGAIN! They have a bit of a scuffle, and each of them is placed safely in a car. Before Hank takes Walt in, he gives Marie a call to tell her that he got Walt. Oh no. “Things are going to be rough for the next couple of weeks, but they’ll get better.” OH NO. “I gotta go. It may be a while before I get home. I love you.” OH!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! HAAAAAAAAANK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At this moment you are almost certain that Hank is not leaving that desert alive, and your fears are realized when you see Todd and his uncles pull up behind them.

AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!

After a few tense moments, the shoot out begins. And just as quickly as the shootout began, the episode ends. And then you remember that you haven’t been breathing since Walt walked out from behind that rock and you are about to die if you don’t start breathing again! Jesus christ! THIS SHOW! Is Hank dead?! Hank can’t die, right? Not after that phone call that make it seem like he was definitely going to die? Jesse has to survive, right? Gomez is going to die though, probably? GUYS! WHAT! IS! GOING! TO! HAPPEN! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!