BREAKING FART NEWS: Armie Hammer Is Just Dripping With Farts

The lack of fear necessary to cover stories like this is why blogs will be laughing when all newspapers burn to the ground with the rest of the world, because the whole world is on fire and everyone is dead, because it was time. What? Oh — ARMIE HAMMER? MORE LIKE FARTIE HAMMER! Fart news from the Enquirer, via Celebitchy:

The Lone Ranger hunk Armie Hammer is on a strict diet of caviar and eggs — and the side effects are stinking up his marriage! Sources say the 27-year-old actor was put on the wacky diet by director Guy Ritchie, who cast the square-jawed heartthrob in his movie version of The Man from U.N.C.L.E. …

“He wants Armie in tip-top shape for the film, and he’s put him on a bizarre diet of chicken, eggs, and caviar. As you can imagine, Armie’s suffering from excessive gas, and it’s driving his wife Elizabeth crazy!” …

“Since he’ll be working alongside mega-muscly Henry, Armie doesn’t want to look anything less than his best,” added the insider.

“But friends say his wind problem is causing him some big-time embarrassment. Now Elizabeth doesn’t want to travel in the same car with him. She even banished him to the guest room one night!”

To make matters worse, the source says the Social Network star’s breath reeks of rotten eggs. “Every time Armie goes to kiss Elizabeth, she winces,” revealed the insider.

And it looks like Elizabeth won’t get a break, even after filming wraps, because Armie says his dream is to open up a cigar company.

Hahaha, what? You can’t just drop that fact and run, Enquirer. Why does he want to open a cigar company and how do you know that? COME BACK HERE. You’d think Armie Hammer, pants worn through with farts, would at least have the decency to brush his teeth. What’s wrong with you, man? Why are you on that Guy Ritchie wealthy garbage can diet? Take care of yourself, dude. Easy on the farts. You’re 27 years old. (PS: Armie Hammer is 27 years old.)