Videogum

Do You Want To Buy The Red Carpet From The Video Music Awards?

Imagine this: You’re going to have some friends over for a dinner party at your home or apartment. Your home is nice, you enjoy it and you feel comfortable there, but up until now it had never been particularly special. In the past, your friends have complimented it generally — “I like your place!” — but have never gone into specifics. Nothing has ever “popped” to your friends, you guess. You’ve grown increasingly upset about this every time it has happened. “Oooh, I liiike your plaaa-aaceee,” you’d murmur under your breath each time it was said. “I just liiiike it, it’s fiiii-iiiiineeee.” This time would be different.

You lay the MTV Video Music Awards red carpet, which you purchased on eBay for $5000 from the Brooklyn bodega employee who found it rolled up outside of the store the morning after the VMAs, and who is quoted as saying, about his decision to sell it: “You never know. People buy weird things all the time,” which is very funny and I sincerely hope someone buys it, uh, I mean, which made YOU decide to buy it, down in your living room, kitchen, and bedroom. There is a bit more left, which you lay down in your bathroom and tub. Your place looks great. You pour yourself a glass of wine and begin to chop and simmer, chop and simmer.

Your first guest shows up right on time. You open the door to your red carpet apartment and wait for her reaction. She begins to laugh, rudely. “What is so funny?” you ask. She looks at you and continues to laugh. What the fuck is her problem? “What did you dooooooo!!” she says. You explain to her that what she is looking at is the genuine article — the real red carpet from the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards, upon which multiple celebs like Miley Cyrus, Robin Thicke, the little girl who sang at the beginning, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, One Direction– does she want you to go on? — walked just about one week ago. You wait for her praise, which she seems hesitant to give. Ugh. It is just like your friend to not want to highlight anyone else’s achievements. What is she going to do next, talk about the VMA red carpet her parents had growing up that Nirvana and Madonna walked on? Give you a break.

Your next guest arrives and laughs similarly to your first guest. What is wrong with these lunatics? More and more guests come and do the same. What the hell! “THIS IS THE RED CARPET FROM THE MTV 2013 VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS” you shout, unable to take it anymore. “CELEBS WALKED ON THIS RED CARPET. CELEBS!!! WHAT HAVE YOU EVER BOUGHT? WHAT’S IN YOUR APARTMENT THAT’S SO GOOD THAT YOU CAN’T TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE THE RED CARPET I PURCHASED — THE GENUINE RED CARPET FROM THE VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS, WHICH YOU ALL SEEMED TO LOVE AND TALK ABOUT SO MUCH IN THE PAST FEW DAYS? WHY CAN’T YOU EXPRESS HAPPINESS FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S GOOD FORTUNE?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU LUNATICS?!!?”

They finally shower you with the praise you deserve. Some people just need a little push. (Via NYDaily.)