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Breaking Bad S05E10: The Subplot Wore Louboutins

This week’s episode of Breaking Bad begins with an old stranger getting into his truck in either the dark of night or the dark of very early morning. “Oh no, he’s going to die!” I think, because I’ve been re-watching Six Feet Under. “Watch out! Don’t get in the truck, or maybe get in it more quickly!” But he doesn’t die, in fact he the opposite of dies — he finds a big bundle of money on the ground! (Jesse’s money!) It’s nice that he finds the money and you’re happy for him, but then he goes around and picks up, like, six more bundles of money. Uh, how about save some money for everybody else, greedy. The money piles lead him to Jesse’s truck, which I am very nervous will have a dead Jesse in it, which would serve the guy right for being so greedy, but it doesn’t — it just has Jesse’s duffle bag full of the rest of the money. Oh, great. MORE money for just this guy and nobody else. But wait, where’s Jesse?! Uh-oh. JESSE?! JESSE!!!!!! Oh, there he is:

You think he’s dead again, because he has some serious open-eye dead face going on, but then you notice that his legs are moving. THANK GOD. Jesus. If Jesse doesn’t end up alive and married to a blogger at the end of this series, I don’t know what I’ll do.

Then we’re back at Hank’s garage, post-fight. A yellow toy car is going absolutely nuts behind the two guys, and Walt walks to his car like he does not give one fuck about anything. But then as soon as Hank looks away, Walt fumbles around like a nerd and then drives away like a maniac. Hahah. KEEP IT COOL, DUDE! Though, I can see how it would be hard to keep it cool, as he tries to get Skyler on the phone but god damn Marianna won’t pull her off of the call she’s already on, which is, OH NO, A CALL WITH HANK! Walt rushes to the car wash where an employee tells him that Skyler has already left, “didn’t say where she was going.” Ugh. “I DEALT WITH MORE COMPETENT EMPLOYEES WHEN I WAS COOKING METH!!!” Walt shouts, and then runs out and slams the door behind him.

Skyler shows up at a diner to meet Hank, who gives her the sweetest little wave. He tells her that she can be open with him about the ways in which Walter kept her quiet, and that Marie doesn’t know — “it’s just you and me right now.” Then he puts a tape recorder down and tells Skyler to tell him everything she knows. Hahah. You can maybe cut Hank some slack, as he for sure just found out some maj shit, but, ah, he is ah-not-ah-handling this so correctly!

Skyler asks if they can hold off on all of that for a bit, and he says he’d rather not, because something about how Walt is “running out the clock.” Wait, is the statute of limitations for meth cooking and multiple drug-related murders only a few months?! No– Hank clarifies that he’s referring to Walt’s cancer, which has come back, and, oh, you didn’t know? AW, MAN! Hank! God damnit, Hank.

Skyler presses that she’d like to get a lawyer, and Hank tries to convince her that it is in her best interest not to look like she has to defend herself. She is dubious of his uh-completely transparent intentions and says so, but he tries to convince her: “No one in the world is more important to me…” he says, and then pauses. THAN SKYLER?! Aww, no one is more important to you than Skyler that is so swee–“than your sister.” Oh. He continues to act like a real bully, which forces Skyler to just all-out go diner nuts. “AM I UNDER ARREST?” She asks more and more insanely, until she gets up and Hank forcefully grabs onto her arm. Uh, Hank? THINK CLEARLY, MY MAN! Skyler, under the pressure of the completely impossible situation in which she has been placed, screams “AM I UNDER ARREST?!?!?!?” and runs out of the diner. Ahh. Poor Skyler. This episode comprised a number of truly great scenes, and this was possibly the best.

Then Huell and Bill Burr go to the money pallet and lie on top of it.

Mmm. Feels like a hard, uncomfortable surface.

Walt is in Saul’s office when he gets a call from Skyler, which Saul advises him not to take. Saul then suggests maybe sending Hank on “a trip to Belize,” if you know what I mean, wink wink. Walt does not know what he means. “Mike went off on a trip to Belize,” Saul says, in an attempt to clarify. “Ohhhh. Right. I totally should have known what you were talking about, as I have, with and without your aid, murdered many people who were in my way in the past, haha, doyoyoy, I’m a dummy,” Walt says, JK. He does say that Hank is family and then, “Jesus. Send him to Belize. I’ll send you to Belize.” Hahah. Larry “Murder” David, everybody! Huell and Bill Burr come back with a bunch of barrels full of Walt’s money, and Walt gives a sack of it to Saul in case he needs his help in the future. He leaves him with the command, “Just find Jesse.” GULP! Then Walt drives to the noisy desert (bug noise?) (BUGS ARE THE WORST) and starts to dig a hole.

Back at Sky and Walt’s house, we see Skyler attempting to contact Saul. She doesn’t get anywhere, and her effort is interrupted by a knock at the door. Uh-oh. IT’S MARIE! She lets her in eventually, and the two ladies chat chat chat. Marie figures out that Skyler has known about Walt’s meth business for a lot longer than she previously assumed — even before Hank was shot. This revelation makes Marie slap Skyler right in the face!

MARIE! “You won’t talk to Hank because you think that Walt is going to get away with this,” she says. Right. So why didn’t Hank have Marie record her? She didn’t confess, but she could have! Just paint the tape recorder purple, Skyler wouldn’t have ever noticed! Enraged, Marie storms out of the room and grabs Little Ms. Baby, who promptly starts screaming, from her crib in order to take her home with her. The ladies fight over the baby until Hank comes in and forces Marie to give the baby back. Aw, man! BUT MARIE WANTED THAT SWEET BABY! What is Marie going to do now?! Coo over and kiss THIN AIR? In the car, Marie tells Hank, “You have to get him.” Ugh, women — all babies and demands.

Back at the desert, Walt is still solo-digging. You can’t help but think, “What a dummy.” Day passes to night and he has dug a hole that does not look big enough to me, but that ends up fitting all of the barrels. He covers it up nicely and memorizes the coordinates (coordinates?) — 34, 59, 20, 106, 36 and 52 — before smashing his phone and going home. At home he ignores Skyler while she tries to let him know that she hasn’t told Hank anything, goes to the bathroom and gets in his classic tighty-whities, and then collapses. Whoops!

When he comes to, he and Skyler talk about the mess they’re in. Walt confesses that Hank found out because he screwed up. Skyler tells him that it seems like Hank doesn’t have much, aside from his suspicions. Walt wants her to be able to keep the money, but he can’t do that and turn himself in. Skyler makes the call, “Maybe our best move here is to stay quiet.” It’s a humanizing scene for both of them, and cements the fact that they are absolutely in this together, and I barely hear any of it because HELLLOOOOOOOO WE’RE TRYING TO HEEEARRR YOUUUUU OVER HERE! STOP WHISPERING!

Then we’re with Lydia. Hi, Lydia! She’s taking a trip to the new meth lab, in a bus underground in the desert somewhere. She’s a real lady, and descends the steps in her Louboutins.

The lab is filthy and, as we know, is producing a far inferior product than it used to. That’s fine for the meth-heads the guys are selling to, but not so fine for her buyers in the Czech Republic. She tries to convince the boys to take Todd back, but they refuse because they don’t trust him. Uh-oh. Then they’re called away, Lydia crouches in the bus steps, and we hear shouting and gun fire from above. This is a very good scene! We experience almost the entire ordeal the way Lydia does — blindly. After the noise ends, we hear a voice calling to her from above. It’s Todd!

Hey, Todd! Welcome back, you obedient child murderer who RUINED OUR JESSE! Lydia says she doesn’t want to see the murders she just ordered, so she covers her eyes as Todd leads her to her car. We see the murders, though. :-/

Then we’re back at Hank’s house. Marie comes into the kitchen wearing her Grimace costume and she and Hank mutually decide that they’re not going to go to work. Lucky! Hank, in what is another VERY GOOD SCENE, tells Marie that he doesn’t want to go in without hard evidence because he knows that the day he goes in with this will be the final day of his career — him, a DEA agent, unable to have sooner figured out that his own brother-in-law was the meth kingpin he was searching for. Marie wants Hank to share the info he has with the DEA for a number of reasons, not the least of which being that if they get to Walt first and find out that Hank had information he was keeping to himself, he would be in trouble. Marie gets her way, OF COURSE, and we cut to Hank’s office. “Miss you? Like my balls miss jock itch, maybe,” says his boss, whatever his name is. Yuck, dude. Relax.

Whatever his name is does share something WORTH sharing, though, which is that Jesse Pinkman has been brought in for a “money thing.” Jesse sits in silence, being interrogated by two Law & Orders, looking catatonic, before Hank calls the two guys out. He convinces them to let him talk to Jesse for a few minutes, as he thinks it’ll help his case, and maybe his past with Jesse will get him to open up for both of them. AND THEN IT’S THE END!!!!!!!!

One of the best episodes?! I think it was one of the best episodes! NOW WHAT? Will Hank and Jesse team up against Walt? What will Lydia murder next?! WILL SKYLER AND WALT BLOW ALL OF THEIR METH MONEY ON A VOW RENEWAL CEREMONY?!?!?!

Cannot wait to find out! See you next week!