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A Letter From Charlie Sheen, On Vacation

From TMZ: “Charlie Sheen’s Goddess-less days are over … the warlock has found three NEW porn star girlfriends — but this time he’s calling them “Angels”. Get it, like “Charlie’s Angels”. TMZ obtained pics of Charlie and his harem vacationing in Hawaii recently. Keeping to the theme, he chose a blonde, a brunette and a ginger — who go by JL, JJ, and CS. Who knows which is which.”

Hey Gang,

I know I say this every time I come to Hawaii, but this time I mean it: You guys have to tag along with me next time I come out here. It’s absolutely gorgeous. Or, now that I say that, I’m wondering why you don’t just go yourselves? You deserve a vacation! Every time I come out here I wonder why I don’t do it more often, so I can’t even imagine what you guys would think. “Why haven’t I ever done this?” Probably something like that. “What am I doing? I hardly even know, but it’s great.” Haha. You guys are so dumb, no offense. I guess you guys have probably already seen a bit of my vaca through the pictures of my Angels on TMZ. How did they get those?! (Just kidding.)

It’s so fucking crazy — pardon the curse, but — it’s so fucking crazy how I never thought of “Charlie’s Angels” before. Right? Had you guys been thinking of that this whole time? “Why doesn’t he call his ladies his angels? It would be perfect.” I can understand why you wouldn’t have brought it up, because obviously — like, you probably thought I had thought of it before and just decided against it, like it would be too cliché or whatever. But I’m going to be honest with you — I don’t know if it’s the serene beauty of this vacation or something, or the yoga the girls have me doing, but I feel like I can and should be more honest and plan to start with this: I never thought of it. Fucking weird, right? #winning, NOT. That’s not true, obviously I’m still #winning, but I think you guys get my point.

Anyway, I have to get out of here. One of the girls JL, JJ, or CS, who knows which one is which — just brought me a drink in one of those fancy coconuts and I have to go attend to that. (I mean, I know it’s not like– It’s a normal coconut, but I think a drink inside of a coconut is inherently fancy. It doesn’t have glitter on it or something. It’s just a normal coconut.) It wouldn’t be a vacation letter from your man Charlie Sheen, though, if I didn’t include some of my classic Sheen Vacation Dos and Do Nots:

DO: Go to Hawaii.
DO NOT: Say no to new experiences just because you’re afraid.
DO: Have your ladies take of their shirts. 8-)
DO NOT: Fuck up naming your ladies the first few times if your name is Charlie.
DO: Not be a bonehead.
DO NOT: Forget to take a moment to be grateful for everything that you have.
DO: Go fuck yourself!

Just kidding. #foolsandtrolls

Love you guys,

Charlie Sheen