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In Response To Snooki’s Open Letter To Kate Middleton

From YourTango: “Dear Duchess of Cambridge aka Kate Middleton: Waiting for your little Prince or Princess to arrive, I am sure you are prepared for your life to totally change—even more than it already has. In the beginning, right when you take your royal golden nugget home to the castle is the most exciting experience of your life. I couldn’t wait to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of my little prince Lorenzo. …”

Dear Snooki,

What’s it like to have a baby? Here’s what I imagine: thirty-ish (big) dogs. Not that babies are dogs (I know that they’re human!), and not like you can just put them outside to go number one and number two (although), and I don’t think you should give them (blatant) dog names, and not like they eat dog food or anything like that (though they do crawl like dogs do, so maybe it’s not as wild of a comparison as you thought at the beginning?), but the noise and smell related to having a baby is, I’m guessing, equivalent to — ah, I think you get it. Ha-ha. “Explain, explain, explain” – Me.

But I’m right, right? Am I right or am I wrong? I’ve only ever had one dog at a time and I’ve never had a baby, so I’m a little scared, but when I put it in terms I can understand (30-ish [big] dogs) I feel less scared. Oh, something else I wanted to ask about is that you seem like you are doing a good job with your baby, and your baby seems cute. How did you get it to be cute? Before you say anything, I have done the necessary Wiccan spells (looked specifically on-line for spells that worked). Is that it, or is there more? (Con’t, Snooki) I know I will love the baby no matter what it looks like, but obviously I do think I would love it more if it were cute. (One way in which I am sure babies and dogs differ is that an ugly dog can be cute.) Please let me know.

So, when I talk home the dogs — hah, I mean the baby (sorry, I’ve been trying hard to put it into terms that I understand, so they’re a bit mixed in my head), what… What do I say to it? “Come here”? “Oh, who’s a good boy/girl”? Those seem like things that you say to dogs. I don’t want it to be awkward. I saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes recently (which was so sad) (don’t see it, it’s too sad) and there’s a part where the ape, after seeing a dog, asks James Franco if he’s a pet. And James Franco tells him no, but you can tell that the ape is still sad. I don’t want that to happen with my baby.

Anyway, so. Thanks,

Kate Middleton