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Who Should Play The Cronut In The Movie About Cronuts?!

Cronuts! Donuts made out of croissants! This summer, New York City has gone cuckoo for cronuts. The picture you are looking at is of the line of people outside of Dominque Ansel’s bakery waiting for cronuts, and it was taken at 6:45 this morning. People scalp cronuts on Craigslist, and offer sex in exchange for them. It’s a whole THING. They finally made it into the Hollywood Reporter today, which asks if cronuts have the enduring power of the mighty cupcake. Fun question. Powerful and important question. The Hollywood Reporter is truly the paper of record for Hollywood because the article includes this observation: “Cronuts are hardly the first food craze, as anyone who has swirled a fondue fork in the ’70s will tell you, but they are in many respects a unique phenomenon.” CRONUTS ARE HARDLY THE FIRST FOOD CRAZE, IT TURNS OUT. The question now, though, is not whether or not this is the first food craze because I just asked someone who had twirled a fondue fork in the ’70s and they said that it wasn’t, but rather who will play the lead cronut in the movie about cronuts*?! Kristen Bell? Jaden Smith? Justin Theroux? Gabourey Sidibe? WHO?!

The plot of the movie about cronuts is as follows: a cronut gets a mysterious call in the middle of the night from a blocked number. The person on the other end of the line is disguising their voice with one of those voice disguisers. He or she tells the cronut that he has 24 hours to get a box of cronuts to an address in midtown Manhattan, but that the cronut is under constant surveillance and is not allowed to use the subways or taxi cabs or else [INSERT HIGH STAKES HERE]. The cronut waits in line for more cronuts (irony, metaphor) which takes 23 of the 24 hours and now the cronut just has one hour left to get there in time. (It turns out the mystery caller is Al Qaeda. And the cronut was trained by the special forces.) So that’s the movie. If that helps with the casting decision.