Casting The Live-Action Archie Comics Movie, Obviously

It seems like we have it all these days. iPhones, Wii Us, little iPhone boom boxes you can bring to the beach that work with bluetooth, direct deposit, indoor plumbing, illegal downloads, coffee, but up until now something has been lacking. “The ability to stream HBOGo on a Playstation 3?” YES, BUT ALSO A LIVE-ACTION ARCHIE COMICS MOVIE! From Deadline:

Archie? Betty? Veronica? Jughead? Zombie? Just when Hollywood thinks it’s heard it all comes our news that Warner Bros Pictures last night just closed all deals for a WME-packaged live-action movie based on Archie Comics. Producing are Roy Lee and Dan Lin, and Jon Goldwater, Krishnan Menon, and Jon Silk are executive producers. Jason Moore (Pitch Perfect) has signed on to direct while Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa (Glee) is writing. Sources tell us that the screenplay envisions a “high school comedy based on the original line of Archie Comics set in present-day Riverdale.” But earlier this year scribe Aguirre-Sacasa signed on to write a new line of the venerable Archie Comics with a peculiar way into their adventures: flesh-eating zombies!

Hahah, ENOUGH, DEADLINE! (Deadline goes on to speculate that the movie will include zombies, but there is no hard evidence at the moment so I guess to cover our bases let’s just say that, if included, the role of “zombies” will be given to Vincent Gallo.) Who should play all the parts of this movie that for sure shouldn’t be made?! There are so many! Archie should be played by Chris Gethard, Rupert Grint, or Ed Sheeran. If Ed Sheeran is in the movie, no doy Betty would be played by Taylor Swift. If not Betty should be, I don’t know, Carey Mulligan? CARA DELEVINGNE?! If Cara Delevingne is Betty then Annie Clark should be Veronica. (She would have to dye her hair back to black.) If not then, I don’t know, Solange? As of right now there is nothing stopping this from being THE #1 COOLEST MOVIE aside from the premise, so let’s say Solange. Who else is there? Jughead is Jesse Eisenberg. Reggie is Chris Eigeman. Whit Stillman writes and directs. THIS MOVIE IS GONNA BE GREAT!