There’s a trailer for a new movie with Jake Gylenhaal this week and before I even watched it, when I just saw the screencap of it, I was like, oh yeah! Jake Gylenhaal! Love that guy, where has that guy been? Welcome home, Jake. It is so great to see you. Here, have a seat. Ma, fix Jake up a plate! Now, Jake, tell us all about your travels and where you have been since…oh right, you were in End of Watch, that wasn’t that long ago. Still good to see you. AND SCENE. Oh, also there is a trailer for a movie called The Act of Killing that is a MUST SEE and I think maybe it should be the last movie we ever make? As a people?

Prisoners

This movie looks…OK, listen, here is the thing: I don’t know if it is that I am getting too old, or too soft, or what, but sometimes when I see these dramatic movie trailers, the movie obviously looks GOOD. It’s got great actors and a compelling storyline, and whose humanity isn’t tapped by missing children and vigilante justice (as if there is any other kind of justice?)? But also: how do you make people want to watch something like this? Because it looks AH-ROUGH. You’ve got to ease us in! Our bones are too brittle for jumping feet first! Even Breaking Bad started as a dark COMEDY. I don’t know, man. I don’t know anymore. The world is too scary.

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

Haha. I am NOT watching this trailer. There’s no reason to, I wouldn’t understand anything that was going on anyways. “Now, who is the guy with the ice sword and why is he in that cave again? Oh, wait, actually, don’t answer that. I just remembered that I’m a full grown adult with things to do.”

Planes

See above.

Ain’t Them Bodies Saints

THERE’S BEEN A MURDER IN MY BLUE JEANS COMMERCIAL! Haha. This movie looks very good. But it does look like a blue jeans commercial at first, right? And then there’s a movie? Also, I’m not entirely sure that I believe Casey Affleck living on a farm. That guy has brunch written all over him. That guy’s got hitching up his pants every five seconds because he likes to wear them like the skateboarders written all over him. That guy’s got NOT BEING ON A FARM EVER written all over him.

The Act of Killing

HOLY SHIT. Uh. Man. Guys? I think this should probably be the last movie we ever make as a people. What else is there to even SAY? This looks pretty important. I don’t say that about movie trailers very often because of how they are MOVIE TRAILERS. But seriously. Wowwowowowow! Yikes and wow and YIKES!

Monsters University

Haha. OK, yes. Let’s wash that whole WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING HERE AND WHAT IS THIS LIFE AND WILL ANYTHING EVER BE OK taste out of our mouths, huh? Yum! Cartoooooons!