A Friendly Chat With Gabe And Kelly: Spoiling Things That Haven’t Even Come Out Yet

Kelly: Hey, g
Gabe: yo k
Kelly: watup
Gabe: not much homegirl
Gabe: and scene.
Kelly: hahah
Gabe: that was already making me very uncomfortable
Gabe: i didn’t want to see what happened next
Kelly: That’s definitely fair
Kelly: So, it was raining earlier today and then it was beautiful, but now it looks like it’s going to rain again
Gabe: that’s too bad
Gabe: although i guess it could be worse, right?
Gabe: like you could be abducted and held in a house for 10 years
Gabe: don’t get me wrong: rain stinks
Kelly: hahah
Kelly: I knew you were going to say that
Kelly: and you are correct
Gabe: unless of course you haven’t experienced it
Gabe: in a decade
Gabe: in which case a little rain instead of torture and isolation might even be nice
Kelly: hmmmm
Kelly: Still a bummer though
Gabe: oh boy, here we go

Kelly: How many spoilers have you already collected for the currently-in-production Anchorman 2?
Gabe: i know that tina fey and amy poehler get in a fight with sacha baron cohen
Gabe: and also that will ferrell fights a shark
Gabe: so i feel like i have pretty much seen the whole movie?
Kelly: Uh, actually it seems like you are missing a pretty big newly discovered element of the movie, GABE
Kelly: How could you have missed the fact that KANYE WEST is possibly going to have a cameo as well???????????
Kelly: Oops, I mean
Kelly: Kanye West is probably going to have a cameo as well
Gabe: ugh, what’s even the point?
Gabe: of life on Earth, i mean?
Kelly: Oh, love I think
Gabe: i don’t even care about Anchorman 2, i never have
Kelly: OMFG
Gabe: but, like, why can’t we ever just enjoy things
Gabe: isn’t the fun of a surprise celebrity cameo in a movie
Gabe: the surprise?
Kelly: Yeah
Gabe: like when Skrillex was in Wreck It Ralph?
Kelly: GABE!!!!!!!!!
Kelly: hahah
Kelly: Like when Bill Murray was in SPOILER ALERT
Kelly: That one was actually very good
Gabe: skrillex? i know
Kelly: GABE
Gabe: i feel like people get some kind of weird, sad pleasure out of ruining things for everyone else
Gabe: is that what it was like for you just now, kelly?
Gabe: did you feel pleasure?
Kelly: ew
Kelly: But yeah it’s always nice when I get to take some joy away from you
Kelly: Though apparently you don’t care about anchorman 2 anyway

Gabe: no, but that doesn’t mean i don’t have MY VALUE SYSTEM INTACT
Gabe: i hate spoilers in general, but spoilers for something that you don’t even have the opportunity to see without it being spoiled because it isn’t going to be out for two years are the worst of all
Kelly: You are definitely right
Kelly: And for those who don’t do it out of some desire to take joy away from others seem to do it, I guess, just so people know that they ALSO know?
Gabe: right, it’s like bragging rights
to literally the worst brag
Kelly: hahah
Gabe: which is that you get to ruin something for others FIRST
Gabe: like, if Will Ferrell bragged that Kanye was in it
Gabe: that’s an earned brag
Gabe: but he wouldn’t, because he wouldn’t want to take away your PLEASURE
Gabe: ultimately it keeps coming back to one thing: pleasure
Kelly: haha, that’s what it seems like
Kelly: I mean, I can at least understand the people who want to ruin it, because people are monsters, and people also need those SWEET CLICKS
Kelly: But I do not understand
Kelly: The people who seek out spoilers
for things they are going to see anyway
Kelly: What is their deal?
Kelly: Relax
Gabe: ugh
Gabe: i guess it’s just a perverted form of excitement, right?
Gabe: like, people are excited about something, and they don’t know what to do with that energy
Kelly: I guess so
Kelly: A very short-sighted solution
Gabe: it also explains the House of Cards model now, or whatever, where everyone just wants to have everything at once
Gabe: which on the one hand, i can sort of understand, it’s like getting to hit the food pellet lever whenever you want
Gabe: but there is actually another, distinct form of PLEASURE that comes specifically from
Gabe: not getting what you want right away
Gabe: delayed gratification (which is a word that means PLEASURE)
Kelly: ugh gross this chat is gross
Kelly: But yeah
Kelly: And then once you use it all up
Kelly: It’s gone!
Gabe: i’ve never understood
Gabe: when people get upset when a show goes on hiatus
Gabe: because i really like when shows go away and then come back
Gabe: there are always other shows to take their place
Gabe: and then when they come back you are excited
Gabe: to have them back

Kelly: Yeah
Kelly: Not to mention how exhausting it would be to have, like
Kelly: A new episode of Mad Men every single week FOREVER
Kelly: Yuck
Gabe: also, do you know how many good movies there are?
Kelly: hahah
Gabe: what about watching those
Gabe: instead of reading about cameos in ones that won’t come out for 2 years
Gabe: KELLY?
Kelly: Oh, uh
Kelly: Yeah no I don’t know
Kelly: Queue up a movie and watch 15 seconds of it
Kelly: Every time you’re tempted to read a spoiler
Gabe: perfect
Gabe: u solved it
Kelly: What an easy solush
Gabe: ew
Kelly: Gives me a lot of pleash
Gabe: you’re fired

(Child, Drawing Board, and TV images from Shutterstock.)