I’m Worried About Bam Margera, You Guys

Back in January, we talked about a horrible music video that Bam Margera released for an impossible “rap song” that he had titled “Bend My Dick To My Ass.” Oof. Mostly, this was an opportunity to discuss what happens when someone who receives fame and attention for dangerous, self-flagellating superstunts slowly fades into irrelevance but still has access to his friend’s video camera. Because it is true that it must be hard if someone hands you a check for a million dollars for crashing a shopping cart into a dumpster while wearing only an athletic cup and a faceful of Amazonian leeches to then differentiate between what is and what is not valuable art. Bam Margera has been told for years that the terrible things he was doing were in fact wonderful* so how is he supposed to know the actual difference? But now Bam Margera has released another music video for another rap song called “I Fucked Your Mom,” this time under a rap name, Fuckface Unstoppable, and now I am actually worried about him. You guys, is he OK? It sure doesn’t seem like it! People always ask if little things like doing a bad parking job or letting one’s tea grow cold before finishing drinking it is a cry for help when sometimes there are giant cries for help right in your face that even involve actual screaming and crying (which is what Bam’s rapping sounds like) and no one moves a muscle. Does he not have friends? Is there no one in his life to help him even a little bit? I don’t think it would take THAT much engagement in someone else’s life to say to them, “Your music video for your song ‘I Fucked Your Mom’ under the name ‘Fuckface Unstoppable’ makes me think maybe we should talk. Do you want to get a coffee or something? Do you need to lie down? I am your friend, and I am here for you in this difficult time.” The UPS guy would probably know to say that. To quote the movie Leprechaun 1, “CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CALL THE POLICE, CALL EVERYBODY, WE’VE GOT A LEPRECHAUN!”

Needless to say, the video is NSFW.

Even if the cautionary tales of RAED and Joaquin Phoenix didn’t exist, this would still be unwatchable, and yet those cautionary tales absolutely do exist, and so you are just left with more questions than answers. Like: what is the diagnosis, doctor? And: how about my diagnosis, will my eyes and ears recover? And: Why are the people in the background of this video just sitting there and looking into the camera when they should be covering their faces to hide their identities and wrestling with the emotions that the intervention they arranged for Bam Margera elicits? GET WELL SOON, BAM MARGERA! (Thanks for the tip, @jamseybell.)

*I’m one of them! It’s a well documented fact that I love the Jackass movies and believe they should be hanging in an art museum. Although I always thought Bam Margera was kind of an unredeemable asshole. I was more of a Chris Pontius fan myself.