Here Are The 2013 MTV Movie Award Nominees If Anyone Even Cares

Every year, when the MTV Movie Awards nominations are announced, I go on some toothless rant about how I cannot even understand why we are still doing these, since they are completely meaningless and directed at an indeterminate audience, and this year is no different. If children are too busy SEXTing on their Samsung Galaxy III’s to be bothered to even go to the movies in the first place, surely they are not tuning into appointment-viewing television to see who won BEST MILF. And while it was always ridiculous that Best Kiss and Best Fight were actual PRIZES that someone could WIN on NATIONAL TELEVISION, it was with the addition of Best WTF Moment and Best Shirtless Performance (REAL CATEGORIES OF PRESTIGIOUS AWARD) that the MTV Movie Awards truly became an irrelevant parade of intellectually bankrupt garbage. Because the weird thing about these silly categories is that they are not even FUN. Do you know what I mean? BEST SHIRTLESS PERFORMANCE is not even FUN. It’s not really tongue-in-cheek or winking, it’s just the straight-forward continued hyper-sexualization of youth culture to a Skrillex beat. If/when Channing Tatum wins, he is going to have to GIVE A SPEECH ABOUT IT. And people will CHEER.

But above and beyond all of that, this year in particular the MTV Movie Awards has proven itself to be a worthless tribute to the soulless demands of the capitalist system if it can look the youth of America in the eye and say to them, Yes, we believe that Ted is a valid nominee for MOVIE OF THE YEAR. Unacceptable. I am just glad that Hugo Chavez didn’t live long enough to see this.

Movie of the Year
“The Avengers”
“The Dark Knight Rises”
“Django Unchained”
“Silver Linings Playbook”

Best Female Performance
Anne Hathaway, “Les Misérables”
Mila Kunis, “Ted”
Jennifer Lawrence, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Emma Watson, “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”
Rebel Wilson, “Pitch Perfect”

Best Male Performance
Ben Affleck, “Argo”
Bradley Cooper, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Daniel Day-Lewis, “Lincoln”
Jamie Foxx, “Django Unchained”
Channing Tatum, “Magic Mike”

Breakthrough Performance
Ezra Miller, “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”
Eddie Redmayne, “Les Misérables”
Suraj Sharma, “Life of Pi”
Quvenzhané Wallis, “Beasts of the Southern Wild”
Rebel Wilson, “Pitch Perfect”

Best Scared-As-S–t Performance
Jessica Chastain, “Zero Dark Thirty”
Alexandra Daddario, “Texas Chainsaw 3D”
Martin Freeman, “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”
Jennifer Lawrence, “House at the End of the Street”
Suraj Sharma, “Life of Pi”

Best On-Screen Duo
Leonardo DiCaprio and Samuel L. Jackson, “Django Unchained”
Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Mark Wahlberg and Seth MacFarlane, “Ted”
Robert Downey Jr. and Mark Ruffalo, “The Avengers”
Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis, “The Campaign”

Best Shirtless Performance
Christian Bale, “The Dark Knight Rises”
Daniel Craig, “Skyfall”
Taylor Lautner, “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2″
Seth MacFarlane, “Ted”
Channing Tatum, “Magic Mike”

Best Fight
Jamie Foxx vs. Candieland Henchmen, “Django Unchained”
Daniel Craig vs. Ola Rapace, “Skyfall”
Mark Wahlberg vs. Seth MacFarlane, “Ted”
Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson and Jeremy Renner vs. Tom Hiddleston, “The Avengers”
Christian Bale vs. Tom Hardy, “The Dark Knight Rises”

Best Kiss
Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx, “Django Unchained”
Kara Hayward and Jared Gilman, “Moonrise Kingdom”
Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Mila Kunis and Mark Wahlberg, “Ted”
Emma Watson and Logan Lerman, “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”

Best WTF Moment
Jamie Foxx and Samuel L. Jackson, “Candieland Gets Smoked” in “Django Unchained”
Denzel Washington, “Final Descent” in “Flight”
Anna Camp, “Hack-Appella” in “Pitch Perfect”
Javier Bardem, “Oops … There Goes His Face” in “Skyfall”
Seth MacFarlane, “Ted Gets Saucy” in “Ted”

Best Villain
Javier Bardem, “Skyfall”
Leonardo DiCaprio, “Django Unchained”
Marion Cotillard, “The Dark Knight Rises”
Tom Hardy, “The Dark Knight Rises”
Tom Hiddleston, “The Avengers”

Best Musical Moment
Anne Hathaway, “Les Misérables”
Channing Tatum, Matt Bomer, Joe Manganiello, Kevin Nash and Adam Rodriguez, “Magic Mike”
Anna Kendrick, Rebel Wilson, Anna Camp, Brittany Snow, Alexis Knapp, Ester Dean and Hana Mae Lee, “Pitch Perfect”
Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Emma Watson, Logan Lerman and Ezra Miller, “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”