Sorry, Ladies, But Robert Pattinson Is Totally “That” Guy At The Party

Ladies, I have some bad news: your favorite living dildo and star of the film Remember Me, Robert Pattinson, is totally that guy at the party. He probably doesn’t even say anything as he picks up the acoustic guitar, just casually takes it and starts strumming gently, as if to say, I just happen to have found this guitar but any one of us would have picked it up eventually because picking up an acoustic guitar at a party and gently strumming it is human nature and something we all do at one time or another. Uh, no, Robert Pattinson, almost no one picks up the guitar at the party unless they are totally THAT guy at the party. Then he’s like, “What’s that? Actually, no, I’ve never really taken any lessons, I mean not formally or anything. People have taught me a few chords here and there in my wanderings of this crazy blue marble called Spaceship Earth. But mostly I just have a bit of a knack for it I guess.” Suddenly everyone is shooting looks at each other over the quinoa like, did you ask him to explain why he’s playing the guitar? Because I figured if no one said anything maybe he would stop. (Although no one will be able to confirm it, it will be no less true that Robert Pattinson was answering questions that no one actually asked about his acoustic guitar playing.) Then he starts asking if there are any requests. Uh, no, of course there are no requests. Until you realize that if Robert Pattinson is totally THAT guy at the party, the girl sitting next to them is totally THAT girl, and now the two of them are off to the races. OH BLOODY HELL, INDEED.

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This clip reminds me of my favorite David Sedaris quote, from Barrel Fever:

The real life of the party is flattened beneath the bed, taping actual sex encounters, not sitting cross-legged on the floor with a guitar, embarrassing himself and others.

Seriously. Who invited Robert Pattinson?!