But Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Will Megan Fox Play?!

Deadline Hollywood reported late yesterday afternoon that Megan Fox would be returning to Michael Bay Town aboard the Ninja Turtles Express. (A quick recap for those of you who aren’t already snoring because this is such old news for you and blogs are for grandmas and everything’s a Tweet now: Michael Bay is making a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. He fired Megan Fox from the Transformers sequel after she said mean things about him in an interview. OK. Phew.) Anyway, this is obviously GREAT news for all of the Megan Fox heads out there, although I bet some of the Michael Bay heads are a little disappointed. “Are you really going to let her talk about you like that and get away with it, bro?! And to think I have looked up to you ever since I was a kid reading your issue of Cigar Aficionado.” The question now, of course, is WHICH TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLE WILL MEGAN FOX PLAY?! Oh wait, did you think that she was going to play April O’Neil? Come on, nerd! It’s 2013. Gender is for assholes, am I right? OK, but so which one? She’s obviously not playing Michelangelo because everyone hates Michelangelo. I’m sure he’ll be played by, like, Philip Seymour Hoffman or Paul Giamatti. (Those are both great actors, obviously. They are the only ones who can truly bring the misery and despair of Michelangelo to life.) I also think it’s unlikely she would play Donatello, as he is supposed to be a scientist and inventor, and frankly, I mean, I know they put Keanu Reeves in a Harvard sweatshirt in Chain Reaction and that was supposed to convince us he was a genius, but that was 17 years ago and didn’t work then either. That leaves Leonardo, which is perfect. He is the fearless leader, and definitely the most fuckable of all of the Turtles. “I’m sorry, Michael, but are you sure that my character should be eating pizza? Don’t you think a turtle who lived in the sewer would prefer a kale smoothie and a mentholated cigarette?” Haha, oh Megan! Now, if we can just get Kate Upton to play Shredder, that will really bring all of my Leonardo/Shredder slash fiction to life. YOU JUST SIT THERE AND WATCH, KRANG.