All Of Hollywood Is A Sad, Windowless Room Filled With Half-Strangers

The 2013 Academy Awards are being held on Sunday, February 24th, at the newly christened Dolby Theater (formerly home to the Kodak Theater). Cool? I don’t know. I kind of blew it this year and have not seen most of the big movies that are up for awards. I haven’t seen Argo or Silver Linings Playbook or Lincoln or Zero Dark Thirty. This is on me, this is a Gabe problem, and I recognize that. I saw Lawless? Does that help? JK. Anyway, since the awards are being held at a new theater this year, the Hollywood Reporter has an EXCLUSIVE look inside the V.I.P. Lounge where all of the stars will be hanging out backstage between presenting and winning and/or presenting and losing, and uh, COOL LOUNGE, doesn’t seem like A BORING NIGHTMARE AT ALL!

When it came to designing the lounge, Dolby created “visual representation of sound. The ceiling and the walls show you what sound might look like — sound waves, sound pressure, video with a visual representation [playing on the walls],” explains Ramzi Haidamus, executive vp marketing and business development at Dolby. “The ceiling has been redone to represent a sound sculpture [using fabric].”

On one wall, behind glass, sits sound pioneer Ray Dolby’s 1988 Oscar statuette.

Ugh. Can you even imagine? I love how even in the only photograph that has been released of the “V.I.P. Lounge” that by all measures should be intended to make the V.I.P. Lounge seem incredibly exclusive and luxurious you can clearly see an airport-style PUBLIC RESTROOM in the background. Here’s the thing about Hollywood: it seems like everyone kind of knows each other, but usually not that well, just enough to be compelled to make incessant, over-eager small talk sometimes while shooting jealousy daggers into each other’s faces, while Anne Hathaway makes loud pooping noises from the bathroom that is two feet from the bar. The flop sweat and ego panic that must fill this room while, what, Skrillex plays over the PA, or probably even worse, like that Seth MacFarlane CD where he covers showtunes, everyone sucking down vodka-infused kale smoothies and glaring hard at Jessica Chastain wondering where the fuck she even gets off, giving each other quick handjobs underneath the sound waveform shaped cafe tables in the hope that something, anything will relieve the constant tension they feel as the burden of their ambition and desires threatens to crush them at any. given. moment. Cool lounge, though. Love the fabric ceiling. See you on Feb. 24!