[This is the latest in a series of letters sent by writer Jason Reich to Prof. Joseph Carroll, the imprisoned serial killer played by James Purefoy on FOX’s The Following. The character is fictional. That Reich believes himself to be among Carroll’s fervent acolytes is not.]
Dear Prof. Carroll,
This is a difficult letter for me to write. Mostly because I accidentally sliced a three-inch gash in my forearm while practicing my stabby murder moves in the mirror. But also because I am starting to get a little upset with you. I guess it was good that you had so little screen time this week, because it is hard for me to look you in the face, even though that face is so handsome.
Do you even know what is happening in that (admittedly gorgeous and tastefully decorated) cult house? For three brilliant child kidnappers, Nanny and the Fake Gays certainly do an excellent job of leaving your son unattended. You’re lucky the kid is so well-behaved. Most boys his age are full of inappropriate questions, like “Where’s Mom?” or “What are these not-gay gay guys doing here?” or “Why are we in this big house that isn’t mine and I’m not going to school anymore and I can’t see my family or friends and when are we going home and also there’s an Asian woman screaming in the basement?” But your son shows admirable restraint, so kudos on your child-rearing skills.
But the big shocker this week was that Jacob (Fake Gay #1) has never even killed anyone! He’s only been pretending to be an awesome murder-doer! Nanny is stunned when she finds out, and rightly so. Their relationship is built on trust, and telling your lover you’ve killed someone when you really haven’t is the kind of thing that can tear a couple apart. I’ve seen it happen too many times. Dr. Carroll, how could you let a chump like that in on the fun and leave me out in the cold? Okay, sure, I’ve never murdered anyone either, but I am slowly killing my wife by forcing her to watch this show with me every week, so that’s kind of the same thing.
I’m just saying, you really need to find more reliable people to work with. Follower Maggie totally went rogue this week and held Agent Kevin Bacon’s sister hostage in a restaurant in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. I was really looking forward a shootout amidst the hand-packed organic artisinal pickles and mason jars of home-brewed pomegranate kombucha. But no, she just made some (artisinal) magnets to mess with Agent Bacon’s pacemaker. For a minute, I thought he might die, but then I remembered that there are 11 more episodes to go, so he probably wouldn’t. Really, Professor….magnets? At least on Homeland they caused someone to have a heart attack by hacking into the pacemaker database (?). That’s the kind of out-of-the-box implausible killing a man like you should aspire to.
Oh, dammit, Prof. Carroll! I want to be so mad at you, but somehow you always manage to make your devious plans work out! By the end of the episode, Nanny and the Fake Gays are having a fully clothed threesome in the shower, the way normal sexual people do, while Mazzy Star’s “Fade Into You” played on the soundtrack. Seriously, Prof. Carroll, I don’t know who does the music for this show, but they have an excellent CD library in 1994.
Please, please, please Prof. Carroll, let me do your bidding! As always, I am ready and waiting. Although do you think you could tell me the address of the cult house where Nanny is? My sister asked me to watch the kids this weekend but I have some stuff to do so I thought I might drop them off for a while. That cool?
Your humble servant,