If It Was Not Friday, I Would Recommend We Give Up

Guys, it’s been kind of a tough week. Ever since Taylor Swift personally shared with us, her best friends, the incredible news, I feel like we’ve all been a little high strung. All of us. Exactly the same amount. Let me put it this way, you know it is a hard week when the best news you hear is that Warner Brothers has green-lit the Entourage movie. And based on the things I am seeing today, it is not getting any better. Like this story about how Mary-Kate Olsen’s 5000 year old French tycoon boyfriend proposed marriage to her, and she said no, but is also keeping the ring. From ONTD:

According to Star Magazine, Olivier has proposed to Mary-Kate with a $350,000 12-carat marquise-cut diamond ring, but unfortunately for Oliver, Mary-Kate wasn’t quite ready for that kind of commitment.

”She is 26 and in no rush to get married and tried to give the bauble back,” their source claimed. “He insisted she keep it and they are calling it a promise ring.”

He insisted she keep it. The two billionaires were like why quibble over a stupid $350,000 “bauble.” It means nothing. (This picture of Mary-Kate Olsen smoking and talking on her phone with her over-blissed-out vampire and his son/daughter bums me OUT to NO END, man!) “They” are calling it a promise ring, I’m sure. “We agreed this was the best.” He’s like, “I didn’t actually want to marry her, I just wanted this but wasn’t sure how to ask for it!” Congratulations to the happy couple. Two lucky people. It’s so hard to find that PERFECT SOMEONE but they have both definitely done it. Perfect perfect perfect. If it was Thursday, I would say that we should just give up. I’m serious. If I want to grow up to be Coach Taylor, and I do, then I have to learn when to throw in the towel. There’s no shame in calling a game if you think not calling it would ruin Smash’s knee for the rest of his career. (In this case, “Smash’s knee” is “everyone’s heart and brain” and “for the rest of his career” is just “forever.” Oh, and the game is LIFE.)

But guys, it’s Friday. Let’s be each other’s strength. We can do this! I’m serious, though, like, between the Mary-Kate Olsen story and then this clip of Steven Tyler dressed in drag and fake auditioning on American Idol, hoo boy, I almost turned out the lights and padlocked the door. What are they all doing right here:

Nah. No. Why does he talk for so long? Why is that such a big part of it? And why is everyone in this clip laughing like this is fun when clearly it is a panic-inducing nightmare. At a certain point in certain people’s careers they get enough money and success that they arrive at an incredibly important decision: I could either go home and relax now, or I could desperately cling to this vertical cliff-face of hard-earned attention with my witch claws. And for some reason, almost no one ever takes the former. It’s almost as if no books have ever been written to go home and read, except I know that’s not true, because George Saunders JUST wrote a new one like two minutes ago and it’s great. Everyone in this clip needs to go home. Run a bath! Reminisce about your favorite 30 Rock quotes! (“Until the world stops spinning on Kaballah monster’s finger” was probably my favorite although “for your information, most of Tan Penis Island burned down in Sting’s house fire” was also VERY GOOD.)

Relax, Steven Tyler and also everyone! Have a glass of wine! Oh, God, speaking of wine, I know this is kind of outside of our areas of expertise, but reading THIS story this morning about how a sommelier at Del Posto strategized to sell some dude a $1000 bottle of wine and eventually did so by calling it a “ballet dancer” DOESN’T HELP. God, I really wish this was a blog about wine because I would tear this story APART.

Someone for real this week told me “be tired, don’t look tired.” No joke. It’s my new motto now lol. So I know we can do it. Remember that part when Tim Riggins was standing outside the bus and it was after midnight and they’d been running suicide sprints in the mud all night and it was all his fault I think or maybe not his fault but I don’t know everyone else is in the bus and coach is like “Do you even want to be on this team, Riggins? Do you want to play?” and all you can hear for a second is the rain but OF COURSE Tim wants to be on the team, everyone wants to be on the team, and playing is his whole life? You remember that part? It’s Friday. Get on this bus.