Here Is The Thing About Top Chef: The Cruise

Have you guys been watching this season of Top Chef? It’s pretty good! Last week’s Judges’ Table was one of the best Judges’ Tables ever. Tom was throwing out the burns like it was trash day (“time to take out the burns” that’s what tough guys always say) and any of the bottom three chefs could have gone home for their very weak fried chickens but then the one who you really wanted to go home did go home which was satisfying especially since she didn’t go home that one time. (R.I.P. Kristen!) Exciting stuff! (Oh, and before you even start on why there are no Top Chef recaps this season, it’s because life is hard, and we all have to learn about loss. Besides, there ARE Top Chef recaps this season, from Max Silvestri and David Rees. Eat them up!) But so now for all of you Top Chef heads, there is a Top Chef cruise apparently. It’s like the Coachella Cruise but nothing, it is the Coachella Cruise. I was going to make some joke like “it’s like the Coachella Cruise but less annoying,” but the Top Chef cruise is DEFINITELY not going to be less annoying. Maybe fewer waxed moustaches? I don’t know about even that, though, have you seen Josh this season? Or do you just record the audio from the show onto cassettes and listen to it at the gym? He has a waxed moustache is what I’m trying to say.

But here’s the real thing about the Top Chef cruise:

THERE ARE NO OPEN FLAMES ON CRUISE SHIPS. The whole thing is basically a gross Top Chef challenge. None of the food prepared or served is going to be the best food these guys can prepare, it’s going to be the best they can prepare under severely compromised circumstances. Not to mention the fact that if you want to get me on this boat, YOU ARE GOING TO NEED TO BAIT THE HOOK WITH A LITTLE MORE PADMA AND A LITTLE LESS SPIKE. “Whoa, a Top Chef cruise?! Will Padma be there?!” “No, but you can interact with other Top Chef fans!” Women and children LAST, save YOURSELF, am I right? Please pack your CRUISE and go.