Monsters’ Ball: The Week’s Best Comments

Guys, this is the place where I occasionally dump some crappy college-level deep thought that would embarrass Jack Handy, and this week I’ve got another one. Basically, I was just thinking about how last week, not only did we not know about the Mati Te’o story, for example, or even more importantly, the official music video for “Hoeski”, but that we did not even suspect them. No one was like, “I don’t know why, but I just have this feeling like there’s going to be a hilarious sports scandal involving a fake Twitter girlfriend, and also one of the most important songs of our entire lives.” It just goes to show that you never know what is coming next, and there’s something pretty exciting about that. I know that is obvious and everyone knows it, but these are pretty good examples of just exactly what that entails. Who even knows what treasures are in store for us tomorrow? Only God up in heaven. Praise be to Her. Have a great weekend, I’m going to go lie down now.

After the jump, the five Highest Rated comments, as voted on by you, the Lowest Rated comment, the winner of the Astronaut Clipping His Fingernails Caption Contest, and the Editor’s and Associate Editors’ Choices.

This Week’s Highest Rated Comments

#5 Gobblegirl | Jan 17th Score:40

Here is what I think happened:

Saturnian (and the rest of the internet) read about a story he found interesting. Saturnian thought “You know who I would like to talk abou this with? The cool people over at! They are smart and interesting and funny, especially that strapping young Gabe fella.”

We should all take this as a compliment and move on.

Gabe, don’t try to use the Jon Stewart shield. This site has been covering non-trampoline events since the outset. Cover what you want to cover. Don’t cover what you don’t want to cover.

Posted in: Snake Chases Workers Manti Te’o Open Thread
#4 bigbabyjesus | Jan 17th Score:40

hey guys, i’m a young single college girl, looking for a boyfriend, strictly internet boyfriend though we will never interact IRL

holla at me

Posted in: Snake Chases Workers Manti Te’o Open Thread
#3 Frank Lloyd Wrong | Jan 15th Score:42

“The surprise is that someone thought these curtains were a good idea.” — Paul Llynde Wrong

Posted in: Police Chase Video Ends Without Any Surprises At All
#2 Dr. Feelgood | Jan 14th Score:42

I keep a close watch on this glass of wine

I keep my eyes wide open all the time

I keep the ends out for the tie that blinds

Because you’re mine, I have the wine

Posted in: “I Have The Wine” By Johnny Cash
#1 martinmegs | Jan 17th Score:48

Let’s not ignore the best part of the Te’o story: Donald Trump tweeted to congratulate the guys who wrote the article, and Deadspin replied: “Go fuck yourself.”

Posted in: Snake Chases Workers Manti Te’o Open Thread

[Assoc. Ed. Note: Hahaha, there is something a little strange about the number one comment this week being about a tweet that the writers of Deadspin tweeted, but c’est la vie! I’m almost positive that this is the exact kind of situation that calls for “c’est la vie.” GR8 JOB THIS WEEK GUYS HAVE FUN THIS WEEKEND BE SAFE!]

This Week’s Lowest Rated Comment

heisenberg | Jan 14th Score:-10
A heavyset woman of color not familiar with the Johnny Cash songbook sounds about right. It’s not like she flubbed an Anita Baker clue.
Posted in: “I Have The Wine” By Johnny Cash

[Assoc. Ed. Note: I’m not totally sure why this is lowest rated, but if I had to guess it would be that some people just aren’t into weird, casual racism.]

This Week’s Caption Contest Winner

jawnofthedead | Jan 15th Score:32

And he just plays “Rocket Man” over and over again!

Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t You Caption It Contest: Astronaut Clipping His Fingernails

[Ed. Note: Congratulations, jawnofthedead! You earned it.]

This Week’s Associate Editor’s Choice (Mary)

old man fatima | Jan 14th Score:21

Dear Paul Wahlberg, may I call you Paulberg? Because I’m definitely going to anyway.

Posted in: Wait, There Is Going To Be A Wahlburgers Reality Show?

[Assoc. Ed. Note: PAULBERG!!! BWAHAHHAHAHA! Genius, just…genius. I’d like to curl up & live inside this entire comment thread, it was the best. Nice work everyone. Congratulations, old man fatima!]

This Week’s Associate Editor’s Choice (Kelly)

Jeb | Jan 15th Score:15

“Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and remove one leg.” -Coco Chanel

Posted in: Everyone Is Obsessed With My Robotic Spider Dress

[Assoc. Ed. Note: This was clever, that’s why I picked it!]

This Week’s Editor’s Choice

flanny | 12:01pm Score:9

I’m not even kidding about this comment. These are two of my greatest loves combined!!! Zac is in my top five celebrity crushes (because I am in seventh grade), and it has always been a dream of mine to own a sheep farm. NOT for sexy purposes, though. I just really love sweaters.

Posted in: Headline Of The Day: Zac Efron Freaks Out After Being Photographed Near An Array Of Dildos

[Ed. Note: Dreams really can come true, everyone! You keep on chasing dem dreams! I’m not even joking with this response to a comment.]