And The Winners Of The First Annual Academy Of VideoGlobe Earthman Awards Are…

With last night’s Golden Globes we are in full-on awards season. Oh neat! My favorite part about awards season is seeing all of the photos of the after-parties. It’s just fun, like looking at pictures of delicious food. That’s the best part! Who needs to taste something when it’s even nicer to look at it and imagine what it is like to taste it. Or, if possible, a photo of someone else tasting it. No no, please, we are all much happier at home on our couches, struggling to make sense of the piled up results of our lives’ worth of choices. Let’s just go to sleep comfortable in the knowledge that tomorrow there will be photos of parties no one is invited to. So dope. Anyway: awards! It all makes you wonder, when we are in charge, and we are not yet, but we are drinking working on it, but when we are, we wouldn’t do awards like your DAD. Right? We’d do cool awards. FOR US. (It is worth pointing out that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler really were a lot of fun last night and had some really good jokes and I liked when Amy Poehler was sitting on George Clooney’s lap. None of that helps illustrate the point that when we are in charge, you and me, that we are going to make it better. If anything, we will probably blow it and ruin it and be embarrassed by all of the tweets. But let’s just get back to the business). Who will we choose? Obviously, there is no answer to that question in the sense that we don’t even know who is going to be good by the time we take over. Will it be Miley Cyrus’s hologram? Will it be Jaden and Willow Smith’s joint-custody adopted shelter dog? Who knows! But if we do want to run the big show, we’re going to have to prove it, and that’s why we need to do a trial run. Pretending that this was our year, who would we choose? Froggy Fresh for Best Everything, but WHO ELSE?! Here are the categories:

Best Actor
Daniel Day Lewis
Benedict Cumberbatch
Idris Elba
Ryan Gosling
Mark Ruffalo

Best Actor (Lady)
Zooey Deschanel
Dakota Johnson
Angelina Jolie
Helen Mirren
Olivia Munn

Best Comedy
Ted (Just Kidding)
21 Jump Street, I Guess
The Campaign?

Best Seussical
Zero Dark Thirty

Best CGI Face
The Life Of Pi
Snow White And The Huntsman
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Nap

Best Pixar
Wreck It Ralph
Paranorman And Frankenweenie Tied

Best Kiss
Bradley Cooper And Jennifer Lawrence
A Vampire And A Werewolf
Tom Hanks And Meg Ryan

Worst Kiss
Bradley Cooper And Jennifer Lawrence
Jack And Jill

Best Director (Not Ben Affleck)
Steven Spielberg
David O’Russell
Whoever Makes Krispy Kreme’s Videos

Second Best Director
Ben Affleck

Youngest Person
Quvenzhané Wallis
Chloe Moretz

[People’s Choice Award]

There are going to be a lot of upsets tonight, but congratulations to everyone who was nominated.