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“The Stanley Steamer Variations” Is A Brief Vision Of Hell

After the first few days of this you start to think, OK, hell isn’t THAT bad. Sure, it’s annoying and absurd, but at least there aren’t any red hot pokers up my butt or whatever. The first year passes–because in hell they measure time just like we do on Earth, so that you know–and now it is starting to get a little bit bad actually. You’ve developed these weird sores on your eyelids from watching Mia perform the Stanley Steamer jingle in over 14,000 variations. Your ears are filling up with fluid. For some reason your feet hurt, even though you have been sitting the whole time. By year 10, you have developed a character named Coal who looks just like you but is much, much smaller, and he lives inside of your head, and every time the song begins again, Coal burrows deeper and deeper into the warm, soft tissue of your brain. “You are safe, Coal,” you whisper to him, “I will not let her get you.” By year 100 you are trying to figure out if there is a way to kill yourself in hell, although you know that you are already dead, and this fact, that you are dead, makes you weep that you cannot die again. By year 1000 you actually think you are starting to like this, it’s growing on you. By year infinity even the devil begins to feel sorry for you, because this is the worst, and no one should have to suffer like this. (Via ViralVideos.)