Some Highlights From The “Quantum Physics” Section Of Tim Allen’s Website

Tim Allen has a website. Naturally. Who doesn’t have a website? Your mom has a website. She posts pictures of the dog that she and your dad got after you left for college that they seriously seem to love more than they ever love you. But so Tim Allen has a website,, and Videogum reader Jeb pointed out that it has a very compelling “Interests” section that deals with Quantum Physics. Hahahhahaha. WHAT? Oh sure. No, totally. Tim Allen’s thoughts on Quantum Physics, for the casual fan who was using Bing to find out more information on the on-set pranks played during the shooting of Galaxy Quest (Tony Shaloub still can’t get that gum out of his hair!). Tim Allen has lots of interesting thoughts to share on the subject, but here are some highlights:

Why am I interested in Quantum Physics? As a kid I asked a lot of questions—believe me—a lot! But one question turned out to be the most magical question of all. “What is this table made out of?” If you think the answer is wood—you’d be right—but you’re sorely mistaken if you think it ends there.

Tim Allen asked a lot of questions of varying degrees of magicalness, but there was one question that was more magical than the rest of the questions: “what is this table made out of?” And if you think the answer is wood, you would be right. Wait, are we done? NO WE ARE NOT DONE!

The yearning to answer this simple question led me to a lot of reading. Not philosophy exactly. Different stuff.

Different stuff. No time to explain. Also none of your business. “Why would you even read philosophy anyways, if your interest is quantum physics, since they are two completely separate fields of inquiry?” SHUT UP, GABE! LET TIM ALLEN TALK MORE ABOUT QUANTUM PHYSICS, HE IS THE BEST!

Weirdest of all, quantum physicists say that unless certain conditions are met, these subatomic particles don’t actually exist. At least I think that ’s what they’re saying. These are pretty complicated concepts, and suggest a very different view of things.

Unsurprisingly, Tim Allen has no idea what quantum physicists are actually saying. But that’s not going to stop him from confidently acting like he totally does.

Now for the bad news: If I’m not really here, neither are you.

Oh man. Some of us may differ on whether or not Tim Allen not actually existing is a good or bad thing. But also the idea of him sitting in his GARAGE at his AIR CONDITIONER WORKBENCH and contemplating the nature of human existence is a lot of fun. Tim Allen!!!!!!!

Why do I spend two hours at the gym every day? What really happened to that delicious steak I ate for dinner? This stuff is enough to keep anyone up at night!

Powerful stuff. Powerful fucking stuff.

In 1999, I had the fortunate opportunity to visit CERN, talk with scientists and get a look at their accelerators.

What a treat for the CERN scientists! They’re still talking about it in the break room. “Yes, the Tim Allen. He had some very magical questions about the table.” What a good website. What a great website.

Incidentally, Tim Allen is in the news today because his car was stolen by a man claiming to be his adopted son. This stuff is enough to keep anyone up at night! Thank you very very much for the tip, Jeb.