Let’s Get This Lark Voorhies Train Wreck Out Of The Way Real Quick

Aww, man. Bummer alert! Lark Voorhies, who played Lisa Turtle on Saved By The Bell appears to be in some real trouble here. Recently, some stories have cropped up about her possibly being diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, which is pretty treatable and everyone has something going on that they probably wish was not going on, and my point is that her being diagnosed with bi-polar disorder doesn’t seem to be that big of a deal. To me. But, in grand Hollywood fashion, Lark Voorhies has not only denied these stories, but she went on Entertainment Tonight to “defend” herself and ended up proving that a bi-polar diagnosis would literally be the least of her problems at this point. Gahhhhh! Look, let’s be very clear about something, we all hope and pray that Lark Voorhies gets whatever help it is that she needs and goes on to live a long and productive and healthy and happy life. Why not? We should all wish that for all of us. But, like, you know when you are stuck in traffic for hours and then it turns out that the reason you were stuck in traffic is because there is a horrible car accident up ahead, and not even that the accident blocked a lane or anything, but just literally that all of the cars slowed down to stare, or “rubberneck” the gruesome scene, and your first instinct is to curse out those drivers for wasting everyone’s time and for being so gross and macabre, and your second, much stronger instinct, is to STARE AT THAT ACCIDENT. It’s not that you want there to even have been an accident in the first place, you didn’t say that, you would never say that, but when the accident is right in front of you, you cannot help but look. Now please step out of the way and let the rescue workers do their job.

It helps (make this something that I cannot stop watching) that Lark Voorhies does my favorite thing that people struggling with any kind of mental health or substance abuse issues do in an attempt to avoid owning up to the fact of and dealing with their mental health and substance abuse issues: try and talk their way out of it using impossible sentence structures and words whose meaning clearly eludes them. Oh, man. Again: fingers crossed for my baby girl. But, like, “I have no worries myself, nor do I exude, exhibit or possess within my living stratus any reason why someone should worry in my behalf”? Come on. That’s the best! Jonathan Safran Foer couldn’t write a sentence like that if a thousand Jonathan Safran Foer’s were locked in the basement of the British museum and typed on a thousand typewriters for a thousand years. Good luck to all of us. Life is hard. (Thanks for the tip, Dave Holmes.)