Duh Aficionado Magazine: Bill O’Reilly Is Sometimes Right, Still An Asshole

Hang in there, guys! We are almost done here. Seriously, though, what else is there to even talk about today? Can you think of something else that you want to talk about? Because if you can, you are more than welcome to talk about that in the comments. We will just keep running our dumb mouths up here and you guys go on with your day. Little boys playing football still? Up to you! But mostly there is only one thing that what we have to talk about right now, and we will wear ourselves hoarse and then we will move on. This is OUR generation’s Hurricane Sandy. ANYHOW. Last night, before the election was even over, Bill O’Reilly was asked by a FOX News Correspondent why the election was so close when by all of their accounting, Mitt Romney (or basically any republican candidate) should have won in a landslide. This is a fair question! Barack Obama had middling approval ratings, and the economy was still largely in the garbage can. Even the most stalwart Obama supporter can or at least should recognize that he won in no small part because of his opponent’s lack of appeal rather than his inspirational incumbency. Towards the end of Obama’s first term, there was a clear and powerful vacuum of voter enthusiasm waiting to be filled, but Mitt Romney was not the man to fill it. He stunk! Guys, he stunk. Millions of people voted for him, yes, in a combination of disappointment, party loyalty, and casual racism, but everyone knew that he stunk. Some people just thought he stunk a little bit less than the other guy that they thought stunk, but that did not make him not a stinker himself. And so that was the question posed to Bill O’Reilly: what happened? If America was as open and available to the idea of a new president as it seemed that they were, why wouldn’t they just hoist a new one in there on their joyous shoulders, Bar Mitzvah chair dance style? To which Bill O’Reilly gave the following answer:

Fuckin’ Bill O’Reilly, man! He is straight up the human embodiment of the scorpion and the frog folk tale. “Why did you sting me?” the frog asked. “Because I’m a fucking dick,” O’Reilly answered. Here is the thing about this answer: PART OF IT IS CORRECT. This is the end of the “white establishment” as defined by Bill O’Reilly. This election was the final grasp of an aging, racially homogenous political party to rely on those two foundational tenets. From here on out, it will (probably, good God let’s hope so) no longer be possible to create a winning coalition based solely on the divisive politics of American isolationism, xenophobia, religious extremism, misogynistic health practices, and racially-biased economic deprivation. Sorry, you old white fucks! You had a good run! So what he’s saying is TRUE.

The part that is the old classic “Bill O’Reilly is an asshole” bullshit is to condescendingly and irresponsibly structure this new world order as a brave and noble (but losing) contest between hard working Americans and people who “want stuff.” O’Reilly is not wrong that we live in a gimme culture. Holy cow, people TOTALLY want stuff. Bill O’Reilly, a multi-millionaire who lives on Long Island DEFINITELY WANTS STUFF. Dude is not sleeping in a pod hotel by the airport and eating soup-in-a-cup. (His argument would be that he has worked for his stuff, which would be fine if we all agreed on the definition of “work,” but let’s be very honest about how insane it is that one human being can make a certain amount of money by appearing on television and spouting lies–or BLOGGING for that matter–while other people make much less money to, say, teach, or wear out all of the cartilage in their knees digging holes in the ground. If we are not even clear on what is a fair and universal definition of the term “work” then you cannot use that as an explanation for everything.) And let’s also be clear on what he means when he says “stuff,” because the use of the word “stuff” is very flippant and it suggests that there is a group of American voters who want a free iPad. (Again, that is actually all Americans, but that doesn’t mean they expect the government to provide them.) What he means by stuff, what we all mean by stuff, is access to affordable health care, the ability to attend college, equal rights for all human beings regardless of sexual orientation, and the pursuit for people around the world of the very same American dream that we have used as our primary advertising slogan for 900 years. Oh! And also by stuff I think he means “Senators who don’t glorify rape under the banner of God.” So yeah, people want stuff. Fuck you, you racist, homophobic, misogynistic* piece of shit.

OK, like I said, we’re almost done here. Four more years of trampoline farts and baby kitten FAILS.

*I actually don’t even think that Bill O’Reilly the off-camera human being is any of those things, which makes his entire “thing” even worse!