Other Ways To Keep People Quiet During Movie Screenings

Of the things that keep people from spending a million dollars to see a movie in the theater, dealing with rude fellow moviegoers is probably within the top five. Number one is definitely fear of bedbugs. Everyone is afraid of that one, right? Everywhere on Earth, that’s everyone’s number one fear about pretty much going anywhere, and not just the fear of people who live in disgusting, over-crowded filth cities? Right. But rude jerks is certainly up there, too, and a theater in London has figured out a terrible way to stop it. From SlashFilm:

The Prince Charles Cinema is said to be employing volunteer “ninjas” to regulate good behavior among the audience. The term “ninja” is being used loosely here — they’re really more like glorified ushers in black skintight bodysuits — but whatever you want to call them, it’s certainly an interesting way to keep the peace.

The so-called ninjas are ordinary cinephiles who agree to “guard” screenings in exchange for free admission. When they spot a patron talking, texting, throwing popcorn, kicking seats, or otherwise engaging in rude behavior, they swoop down to give the jerk in question a talking-to.

“You can see this movie for free, as long as you wear this skintight bodysuit and agree to make a scene of yourself.” “I’M IN! I REALLY WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE!” So, that’s their idea. I think we can think of better ideas? I’ll start with mine.

  • Bury everyone in sand.
  • Thick tape all over everyone’s heads, except the eyeballs.
  • Tell everyone that bedbugs are attracted to your breath, mostly, and breathing out of your nose is probably fine, but breathing out of your mouth is going to make it so you definitely get bedbugs.
  • Hire “screamers” who scream loudly whenever they hear anyone make a noise.
  • Bugs crawl around on your face and you can’t open your mouth or else they’ll crawl in.
  • Fill everyone’s mouths with tar.
  • Glue peoples mouths together and tie their hands to their seats.
  • Dog collars that shock you when you talk or think about talking.