A Friendly Chat With Gabe And Kelly: Suri’s Burn Book

Kelly: Hey, Gabe
Gabe: hey kelly
Gabe: whattup?
Kelly: n2m
Kelly: Mostly just the same old stuff, what’s up with you?
Gabe: nothing much
Gabe: i’m going to get a haircut someday soon?
Gabe: but not yet!
Kelly: Oh that’s nice!
Kelly: What celebrity’s picture are you going to bring in for it?
Gabe: i’m bringing in a picture of Joffrey from Game of Thrones
Gabe: and I’m going to say
Gabe: “make me look like someone who hates Joffrey”
Kelly: OMG that is going to be stunning
Kelly: So fresh
Gabe: so fresh, so dope
Gabe: very very dope
Gabe: “make me look dope”
Kelly: It’s honestly like one of the dopest ideas for a haircut I’ve heard in a long time
Kelly: So that’s great, it sounds like things are going pretty well for you
Gabe: not bad, yeah
Gabe: 2012!
Gabe: well, i guess we’ve covered just about everything
Gabe: i should probably go look for the most hatable photo of joffrey
Gabe: so that the barber really “gets it”

Kelly: oh yeah sure
Kelly: Gabe, I have to say
Kelly: I get this weird feeling sometimes where it’s like
Kelly: You kind of want to leave the chat right before I get to talk to you about the thing I really needed to talk about?
Gabe: what? why would you feel that way?
Gabe: is it something i am saying/doing?
Kelly: I don’t know
Gabe: i feel like you’re just projecting
Gabe: and other psychology terms from freshman year of college
Kelly: You’re probably right. I’m sorry for even bringing it up.
Gabe: apology accepted
Gabe: well see ya!

Gabe: eww, have I read Suri’s what now?
Kelly: Oh brother.
Kelly: Sur’s BURN BOOK
Gabe: nope!
Gabe: i don’t know what that is, because I am a grown man, and I don’t want to know, because I am a grown man, and I will never read it, whatever it is, because I am a grown man.
Kelly: Ok ok I’ll explain it
Kelly: It was a blog where a woman, in the voice of Suri Cruise, critiqued the clothing and bodies of other young children of celebrities 4 laughs
Kelly: And now it’s a book that we can all buy and keep in our homes
Kelly: And all blogs should be.
Gabe: i hate everything you are saying right now
Kelly: Whyyy-eeeee??????
Gabe: what a terrible idea from a terrible person
Gabe: she sounds like a stupid, ugly bitch
Gabe: get it?
Gabe: we r just making social commentary about society’s obsession with horrible blogs!
Kelly: hahahahahahha I get it
Gabe: “But again, Hagan claims that it’s all meant to highlight our horrible obsession with celebrity kids. She tells The Daily Beast‘s Melissa Leon, “There are so many more celebrities now, and the obsession with the children is a part of that. My goal is to poke fun at that and how weird it is.” She wants to assure everyone that she has standards for where to draw the line. She only uses children whose parents “put them out there.” (Nevermind that she covers Nahla Aubry whose mother Halle Berry is extremely outspoken about the overreach and exploitation of celebrity children’s media coverage.) She recently decided not to run a photo pointing out a young child’s “camel toe.” (But picking on a toddler like Harper Beckham’s weight is completely okay.)”
Gabe: “my goal is to poke fun at that”
Gabe: so fun
Kelly: Oh jesus.

Gabe: look, obviously, videogum has “poked fun” at celebrities before
Gabe: because celebrity culture IS ridiculous
Gabe: and our obsession with it IS weird
Gabe: but if you are so incapable of drawing any lines of distinction around what might or might not simply be adding to the problem
Gabe: that you pretend to be a child
Gabe: making fun of other children
Gabe: then I hope you…don’t have any physical harm to you…but you lose any money that you make doing it…and have some kind of epiphanic moment of self-awareness
Gabe: that makes you FUCKING CUT IT OUT
Kelly: Yes.
Gabe: if your idea of being morally grounded is choosing not to post a picture of “a child’s camel toe” which suggests that you actually did think about it for a little while
Gabe: then you are straight up a legit bad person
Kelly: For real
Gabe: and you need to take all of the black shrouds off the vampire mirros
Gabe: and take a good hard look
Gabe: at your shitty face
Kelly: And even, this is a smaller thing
Kelly: But even to justify it by saying that she only goes after the kids whose parents put them out there
Kelly: As if knowing that fact would make any difference to the kids she was exploiting
Kelly: Who don’t really have a say in any of it
Gabe: right, as if those parents exploiting their kids makes what you are doing social commentary as opposed to still just making cruel and useless fun of children
Gabe: i’m only going to shoot children in the face if their parents put targets on them
Kelly: To be fair, they are benefitting from the targets in other ways and have been born to people willing to put the targets on so it’s all kind of just fun stuff
Gabe: so fun
Kelly: No one gets hurt when you say “It won’t be long before Harper Beckham’s arms are thicker than her mom’s.”
Kelly: It’s just a little fun
Kelly: bringing some joy to readers
Gabe: great social commentary
Kelly: Really poking fun AT people who would REALLY say that
Kelly: And REALLY sell a book about it and REALLY make money from that book
Gabe: “it’s so weird how we are obsessed with celebrity culture,” said the woman who has made a name for herself via her most disgusting and morally bankrupt strain of celebrity obsession
Kelly: What a gross thing.
Kelly: What a gross book.
Gabe: the grossest
Gabe: thank you for telling me about it
Kelly: No problem, thanks for sticking around!
Gabe: oh my pleasure
Gabe: and to think that if i had logged off earlier
Gabe: i would never have learned about how some stupid asshole
Gabe: published a book full of hateful garbage
Kelly: Life is beautiful & full of endless wonder.
Kelly: I’m glad I could share a bit with you today.