Why Doesn’t Anyone Want To Make The Dark Tower?

What we have on our hands here is a classic Hollywood mystery. Imagine a movie based on a Stephen King book series, adapted by Akiva Goldsman, directed by Ron Howard, produced by Brian Grazer, possibly starring Russell Crowe. Sounds like a movie a big studio would put out and lots of people would see, many of them not liking it very much but hey it was the only thing in that weekend and it was fun enough, RIGHT? WRONG! One of those is wrong! From Variety:

The ambitious journey of Stephen King’s THE DARK TOWER book series to the bigscreen and TV has hit another setback, as Warner Bros., which had been in talks to take it on after Universal let it go, has also decided to not move forward. Ron Howard would direct and produce along with Brian Grazer and King through Grazer and Howard’s Imagine Entertainment banner. Warner Bros. had no comment. Screenwriter Akiva Goldsman had recently delivered his latest draft for the film’s first installment and Russell Crowe had shown interest in playing the lead if Warners gave the film a greenlight. Series revolves around gunslinger Roland Deschain who roams an Old West-like landscape in search of a dark tower, in hopes that reaching it will preserve his dying world. Imagine is still able to take the project back out to other studios, but this latest news is a blow to the film’s future — when Universal first let go of the film, most insiders around town believed WB was its best chance of getting made.

WHY DOESN’T ANYONE WANT TO MAKE THIS MOVIE? It sounds just like a movie that anyone would make! So much like a movie that anyone would make one must ask the question: What do these big studios know that we don’t? Must be something, right? It’s a mystery! All we can all do right now is throw in all of our two cents and maybe solve this great Hollywood mystery together.

Ok. So. Why doesn’t anyone want to make The Dark Tower, a series that could translate into a perfectly mediocre movie?

  • The Dark Tower is haunted and any studio that enters into talks to take it on is visited by 25 ghosts, each of them younger than the last, until the final baby ghost stations itself in the head of the studio’s beautiful home and just cries and cries and cries until the studio has to let the project go to get the baby ghost out.
  • The Dark Tower’s ex-boyfriend put out word that any studio who tries to release The Dark Tower is going to get beat up — BAD.
  • The Dark Tower doesn’t have a large enough fan base or an interesting enough premise and the studios don’t think it will be worth the amount of money it will take to make it.
  • The Dark Tower is for nerds.
  • The Dark Tower has a secret dark past and the studios know that once the film is released the secrets will eventually be dug up and the PR will be a nightmare.
  • The Dark Tower is a diva on set.
  • The Dark Tower doesn’t actually exist and its saga is only meant to distract us from what’s REALLY going on.
  • The Dark Tower is totally fine — great, really — and maybe if the studios were at a different point in their lives they would be thrilled to take on the project, but they’re just not ready for that kind of commitment right now.
  • The Dark Tower is Kristen Stewart.

One of those? ALL of those? What do you think? Let’s solve this mystery, once and for all!