Breaking Bad S05E06: You Don’t Get 500 Million Meth Dollars Without Making A Few Frenemies

Having spoken so many times this season about what I see as an upsetting overuse of Jesse™ catchphrases and Oprah Winfrey Aha Moments, it might seem slightly contradictory for me to say this, but: Holy moly, you can throw Jesse crying into every episode of this show and I don’t think that shit will EVER GET OLD! Man, it is always just the best! Certainly it’s a bit strange to be fawning over a scene where a man cries after seeing a news report featuring the parents of a child he had a hand in murdering, but as you grow older you realize that life is just a bit strange. That’s just life. Jesse is a beautiful and heartbreaking crier. Never stop crying, Jesse. Stay beautiful. Now lets talk about how dark and awful this week’s cold open was!

The cold open this week was largely silent, save for a minimal tone-y/percussion soundtrack, and showed Todd, Mike, and Walt dissembling the child’s bike and dissolving it, cutting away (obviously, and thank goodness) before showing the team do the same to the boy. Jeeeeeeeeeeeeepers creepers. I can’t remember another scene in the history of Breaking Bad that was quite as bleak as this. Walt wasn’t even having a good time, and he’s a monster!

Terrible. I mean, great, really. This was great and fittingly devastating and the whole episode was great and fittingly devastating. But: Terrible! After the job is done, Todd walks outside and greets Jesse, saying, “You guys didn’t tell me that stuff smells like cat piss.” Ugh. LEARN HOW TO READ A ROOM, TODD! Then he says, “Shit happens, huh?” Then Jesse punches him in his stupid jerk face, finally.

The scene cuts to the whole group back at HQ, giving Todd some time to state his case. “I’m sorry, but I had to do it. Obviously I guess you see it different — some of you,” he says, and goes on to make the point over and over again that he didn’t want to do it, but he thinks he had to do it and he’d do it again if he had to, and that he is a jerk and has a big jerk’s jerk face and definitely tortures animals and for sure thinks that most people are racist, and it’s just that he’s just one of the few who ADMITS to it. Ugh. Awful guy. Hate this guy. Walt asks him to leave, and the group takes a vote on how they should deal with him. Walt declares that there are three options — kick him out but pay him enough that he keeps quiet, kill him, or keep him in the mix. Both Walt and Mike go for option three, and the scene cuts before Jesse responds, cutting to a scene where Mike does this!:

YOU GET HIM, MIKE! He tells him that he’s still in the group, but also, “The next time you bring a gun to a job without telling me, I will stick it up your ass sideways. You understand?” (Which I believe is something a few of you brought up in the comments last week — whether or not Mike knew he was carrying a gun. Question answered!) Boom. Stick it up his ass, Mike! You stick it!

Also, Todd still has the kid’s spider, whatever that means.

“I’m gonna go pull off this spider’s legs one by one when I get home and then burn its body with matches and scream at my mom for being a bitch.” – Todd, I bet.

We find out this episode (another question we’ve been wondering about) that the DEA are following Mike when he’s out in public. (But somehow he is so good than they can never catch him doing bad guy things, even though he seems to do bad guy things almost exclusively.) In the scene we actually get to see them doing this, Mike is playing with his granddaughter at a playground and notices the team watching him from their car. He writes something on a piece of paper and hides it under the trashcan, leading the DEA guys to believe it’s a dead drop. (PUH-LEEZE.) But, LOL, when he go up to retrieve it they find:

BUT WHAT ARE THE BLURRED LETTERS?! Jk. I know what they are. A curse word! Once Mike gets home that evening he goes through the audio captured at Hank’s office of the team discussing how they’re trailing him, but can never seem to catch him. “Even pros make mistakes. One of these days our pal Ehrmantraut is going to slip up. We’re going to be there when he does.” Rather than being so flattered by all the great compliments they were throwing at him, Mike only seems weighed down by the truth in the inevitability of being caught. Uhoh!

In the next scene, the baby chewed on Skyler’s bracelet and it was so adorable that I barely even know if anything else happened in the scene at all:

OH IT WAS SO CUTE! The fact that the baby began chewing on Skyler’s bracelet, and then Skyler TOOK OF HER BRACELET so the baby could chew on it more easily made me like Skyler more than anything she’s ever done on Breaking Bad in the past. What a wonderful mom! The scene, though, from what I DID pay attention to, was only about Skyler admitting to Marie that she felt like she and Walt were horrible parents to the kids, but that she could never tell Marie why. Marie assumes that she’s talking about the affair, and spills to Skyler that Walt let her in on it, and that she has to forgive herself for it. Oops! That’s not what she was talking about! “Doesn’t it feel good to get that off your chest?” Marie asks. “Oh yeah. I feel better.” :-/

Back under the bug bomb tent, Jesse and Walt are cooking up a new batch, taking a break to watch a TV show about caviar. Just as they’re about to get back to work, Jesse, for some reason, does not turn off the TV and instead changes the channel to a channel with the news on it. And the news they’re reporting is the news of the missing child — 14-year-old Drew Sharp. Uh-oh.

As I mentioned earlier, this is where Jesse breaks down and cries. Walt attempts to comfort him, or at least sooth him enough that he doesn’t question too deeply the business they’re in, saying “I haven’t been able to sleep the past few nights just thinking about it.” Oh bologna, Walt. You liar. Walt says he’ll finish up there and sends Jesse home, whistling while Jesse gets his things and leaves. And we’re all like:

Before he makes it out, though, Mike calls him and tells him to get over to HQ. Walt meets them their (without having yet been invited by Mike), and is greeted with, “Might as well get this over with. Come here, join us.” And then he walks in and it’s a surprise birthday party, YAAAAAAAAAAY! “And I bet you thought nobody would throw you a surprise party this year, huh?” says Mike. Then they all hug and the episode ends.

JK. Instead of that, Mike lets the boys know that he’s being tailed hardcore by the DEA, which Walt gets so upset about because WHY DIDN’T HE TELL HIM THAT AS SOON AS HE KNEW? Walt threatens that he might have to break up with Mike over this, and then Mike says “Oh don’t worry, I’ve already decided that we’re breaking up.” “OH. Oh! Well. Good, then! See what I care! GOOD!” says Walt. And then, adding insult to methjury, Jesse tells him, “Actually, Mr. White, I’m out too. I don’t think I can do this anymore. So I’m retiring, I guess.” Yikes! That’s what you get when you’re a jerk, Walt! NO FRIENDS! Mike and Jesse explain that they’re going to be taking their share of the remaining methylamine and selling it for five million dollars each. “You can come in on this, with us — that’d be cool,” Jesse says, like a sweetheart. But Walt doesn’t want to come in on it! How is he going to be the new Gus Fring if he doesn’t even make meth anymore?! HOW IS HE GOING TO INTIMIDATE HIS WIFE?! He explains that if they sell the methylamine, they’ll be losing millions they could’ve made in cooking it, prompting Jesse to ask, “Are we in the meth business, or the money business?” Hmmm? Hmm, Mr. White?

Selling the methylamine to Mike’s hookup doesn’t go as easily as planned, though. The boys meet the other boys in the desert and explain the details of the exchange, but once the other boys figure out that this isn’t their group’s entire share of methylamine, and that there may still be blue meth available on the market, they say “no deal.” Either all the methylamine or none of it. Also, they all definitely practiced their boy band stances in preparation for the meeting.

That night, Jesse calls Walt to try to convince him to take them up on the buyout. Walt invites him over to his house to talk about it, but refuses to take him up on the offer. Jesse explains further that this will be so much more money than the amount he originally got in the meth business to make a year ago, and that he’ll be able to be out and keep his family safe. “I’m not going to throw it away for nothing,” says Walt. “FIVE MILLION DOLLARS ISN’T NOTHING,” SAYS EVERYONE, INCLUDING JESSE! Then Walt tells Jesse his Grey Matter sob story. “You see, we were the ones who invented Facebook,” he explains. “We invented Facebook and now all you see is this Zuckerberg kid getting all the money and notoriety and, you know, it’s just like…never again, you know? Fool me once.” Jesse tells him, accurately, that it’s not the same thing, Mr. White. Then Walt explains how he is in neither the meth nor the money business, rather he is in the empire business. And this guy is like, “I get you.”

Skyler comes home, interrupting their discussion and Walt, to screw both of them over, invites Jesse to stay for dinner. It is a very awkward dinner.

Jesse attempts over and over again to make conversation about the food their eating, failing each time, and then decides to maybe try to make conversation about Skyler’s car wash business. “Mr. White says its going well, that you’re a great manager,” he says. “What else did you tell him about me?” she asks, while drinking ALL the wine. Jesse stumbles through saying that he’s only told him good stuff, but that they don’t really talk about their personal lives much, before Skyler interrupts and asks if he’s told HIM about the affair, too. Eeeep! Then she leaves. Then Jesse does something cute:

“Do you know my kids are gone?” Walt asks Jesse. “THANK GOD,” says Jesse, which was just so perfect, only to have Walt explain what he actually meant. AND THEN (what you guys want to read is just a retelling of the things everyone said, correct?) in a move that is just so upsetting and manipulative and oh just makes me so mad, Walt says, “She told me that she was counting the days until my cancer came back. My wife is waiting for me to die. This business is all I have left now. It’s all I have. And you want to take it away from me.” OH PUH LEEZE. How lonely it must be for Walt, up there on his cross made from blue meth. I am so mad at him. Be strong, Jesse! YOU’RE SO SWEET, BE STRONG!

In the final scenes, Mike invites Walt to HQ and tells them that they’re going through with the whole sale, and that they’re going to sit there all night until it happens because Mike doesn’t trust Walt around the methylamine. And then, in a way that is upsettingly comic book villain-y, Mike tells Walt he’s going to leave for two secs before the deal goes down so he’s going to restrain Walt at the HQ for a second BUT DON’T TRY ANYTHING FISHY! Boo. I mean, whatever, really. I’m not VERY upset with this scene. But it’s like OBVIOUSLY DON’T LEAVE BATMAN TO HIS OWN DEVICES AND EXPECT HIM NOT TO GET OUT, MIKE, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!

So Mike leaves to what we find out is a meeting with the DEA and Saul Goodman as his representative, who tells them that they’ve filed for a temporary restraining order. Saul tells Mike that this will probably only keep them away for about 24 hours, and otherwise it’ll only arouse their suspicion, but Mike seems ok with that. When he gets back to their HQ, though, he finds that Walt has used that old teethface of his to bite his way through some electrical wires:

And burn the shit out of his wrist in order to get out:

OH WHO WOULD’VE THOUGHT HE’D EVER GET OUT! Mike finds him and Jesse in the room where he left him, after discovering that the methylamine was gone, and almost shoots him before Jesse convinces him to stop. Oh, just shoot him already! Get rid of this doofus! Jesse says he has come up with a plan where each of them will get what they want. “Everybody wins,” Walt says, while looking up at Mike with a face that only says, “Please shoot me in the face.”

Ugh. WHAT IS THE PLAN, WALT? Better be a good plan! You better let Jesse get out of this mess! Do not hurt our Jesse!

Also, there were about four or five instances of teethface throughout the episode:

This was a great episode. I’m sure you know that, but just in case you’re on the fence — this was a great episode. See you next week! Weigh in on what you think the baby might chew next!