Antoine Dodson Finally Breaks His Legendary Silence About Chick-Fil-A

Many of you have probably been following the Chick-Fil-A news lately, but for those of you who have always been kind of annoyed at the presumptuous way in which a blog will just breathlessly launch into something in media res as if everyone has already read every other blog post on the subject, therefore denying the new reader any kind of entry point into the story, let’s do some quick recapping! Chick-Fil-A is a popular fast food chain that sells fried chicken sandwiches and that’s about it. Everyone loves it. But everyone does NOT love the restaurant chain’s corporate managers long-standing vocal support of conservative Christian values (they are even closed on Sundays). Things have gotten more heated lately when one of the restaurant’s franchises was criticized for directly helping a group that is vocally anti-gay marriage, to which the franchise’s founder responded that OF COURSE the restaurant helps groups that are vocally anti-gay marriage, because gay marriage is gross and wrong and life is precious and God and the bible. People are mad, I guess. Naturally, any large fast food company that openly espouses a rigidly homophobic belief system based in scripture already has a questionable PR strategy, so it was particularly hilarious this week when the company (or someone else, but probably the company, even if they deny it) created a fake “teenage girl’s” Facebook page to help defend the restaurant on-line using a stock photo. And on and on! It’s a whole thing. But it’s probably about to blow over, because the Internet’s own Antoine Dodson has FINALLY broken his LEGENDARY silence and spoken out on the topic of Chick-Fil-A and the gay community. Everybody go home. It’s over.

Oh lord. Hahahahha. HIDE YOUR SUBWAY, HIDE YOUR BURGER KING, HIDE YOUR CARL’S JR, BECAUSE THEY EATIN’ ERRRBODY OUT HERE. Antoine Dodson has aunties and uncles who don’t support gay marriage, so he is going to eat a Chick-Fil-A sandwich. This, of course, is a ridiculous argument. I’m not actually saying people shouldn’t eat at Chick-Fil-A. I think the whole thing is much less cut and dry as the angry people are making it out to be. But your aunts’ and uncles’ begrudging but hate-filled “respect” for you is not the same thing, Antoine Dodson. Because you’re not giving your money to your aunts and uncles with a clear understanding of how your money will then be used to fund programs that are directly opposed to your own self-interest. At least I don’t think so? Maybe every time Antoine Dodson sees his aunties and uncles he gives them eight dollars, one dollar of which goes directly into the Destroy Antoine Dodson Fund.

Personally, I do actually almost agree with Antoine Dodson in that I think you can eat Chick-Fil-A if you want. I also think gay people should be allowed to get married. Maybe don’t eat Chick-Fil-A all the time for A LOT OF REASONS. I care about you and I don’t want your heart to turn into a throbbing ball of liquid fat waiting to EXPLODE. But, we now live in a complicated world run by the shadowy forces of a global economy. The fact of the matter is that a solid portion of the money you spend every single day probably goes towards something that you disagree with politically. Do you smoke cigarettes? Do you put gas in your car? Do you ever let a single bite of industrially produced meat or dairy pass your lips? Do you pay your taxes? What I’m saying is that while I totally find it honorable and correct to refuse to do business with a company that openly opposes gay marriage (or anything that you don’t like) and while that is a totally valid political statement to make, it doesn’t ultimately have that much effect on the terrible things of this world, of which there are an almost infinite number, and your political choice doesn’t give you the right to give other people a hard time for making different, potentially less political choices. (Full disclosure: I don’t eat at Chick-Fil-A. But less because of the gay stuff and more because of the I want to live stuff.) So if you want a homophobic chicken sandwich, have one! NOM NOM NOM, right? Maybe feel a little bit guilty while you’re eating it, again, FOR A NUMBER OF REASONS. But life is hard and we’re all going to die and nothing about your lunch or that asshole Dan Cathy’s opinions is going to change that. NOM NOM NOM. Hahahahha. NOM NOM NOM YOU HATE-MONGERS! (Via Gawker.)