Stretch Armstrong: The Movie Is Back On Track!

There was a bit of turbulence on the Stretch Armstrong: The Movie front earlier this year, after Universal dropped the film and Taylor Lautner — everyone’s top choice for The Stretch Armstrong — turned the non-Universal version of the project down. Ugh. It’s just like, I know it’s not flattering to complain, but it’s just like — don’t you wish SOMETHING would ever go right in this bullshit world? I know. I know and your wish is granted Relativity Media has since picked the film back up, and it now looks like we just might get to see this beautiful thing after all! Who ever said there was no such thing as good news?!?! Seriously, WHO?! From Coming Soon:

Relativity Media has closed a deal with Breck Eisner (The Crazies, Sahara) to direct its upcoming live-action film based on Stretch Armstrong, it was announced today by Relativity’s President, Tucker Tooley. Relativity partnered with global branded play company Hasbro, Inc. to develop and produce the film which is targeted for an April 11, 2014 release date.

“We were delighted by Breck and Dean’s innovative and creative concept for bringing this character to life. Their unique vision for creating the mythology for this story paired with their experience gives us the confidence that they are the perfect team to bring Stretch Armstrong to the big screen,” said Tooley, President, Relativity.

This original story will be a gritty actioner introducing the character of Lucas Armstrong and the life-or-death consequences he will face after undergoing a transformation granting him superhuman abilities.

That story sounds great and I have no questions except the only question I have is what kind of superhuman abilities is Lucas Armstrong going to have?!? Is he going to be able to fly? Read minds?! Punch very hard??? Become a ghost whenever he wants?! Charm women at the drop of a hat? Never get a cold, not even when everyone around him has a cold?! Turn into a monster? Become a car? I just cannot not figure out, not in a million years, what these superhuman abilities are going to be! DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING, STRETCH ARMSTRONG: THE MOVIE!